Okay, so I know this may be a dumb question. I know what rape/sexual assault is but I’m very confused on this so please help.

So first off, My current boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 7 months now so this was around 2-3 months of us dating.

I was not ready to be in a sexually intimate relationship with someone, I told my current boyfriend this from the start multiple times, yet when we were alone he completely ignores that and initiates oral or tries to finger me. (He still sometimes does this when I say I'm not in the mood so tell him to stop. Sometimes he DOES eventually or he just ends up convincing me even tho I'm still not 100% into it or even when I dont say yes or nothing at all). This is even after me telling him, before and during, “stop” and “no” whilst also pushing his hands away (or trying to) before becoming silent and just accepting. Acting normal afterwards as if it was normal and nothing happened, or telling myself I “did consent”. I told him so many times I’m not ready, yet he continued to do this. Even after a couple days prior to the following event, i had told him i wanted go slow down and stop all this sexual shit because i really wasnt ready nor was i comfortable. A couple days after I'd told him this, after I had a couple drinks (I was not drunk, but was half asleep) he climbed on top of me, despite me telling him again 2 hours before hand I wanted to stop anything “sexual” and take a few steps back and began to have sex with me. Despite me trying to push him off and say no. I wasn’t pushing very hard or saying no too often, probably because I was very tired and wasn’t fully taking in what was happening. I didnt think hed actually do it. For the most part I was silent and just went with it, despite me not wanting to (he usually uses his strength to hold me down, or my arms to stop me from trying to push his away from me, until I stop fighting). And when he stopped for a little and asked if he could continue move, I just remained silent and nodded? Afterwards we had a shower together and I smiled and laughed as if it was completely consensual and THATS why I’m so confused. I did NOT consent but I was silent and went along with it, even if I did try to get him to stop at the beginning, at the end I acted normal.. he still continues to hold my arms so tightly I cant move when he tries to do anything sexual with me and I still try to push him away. Sometimes he DOES stop, sometimes he ends up trying to have sex with me which works in the end because with me being so not in the mood so much, I feel as tho I'm not giving enough to him. But I’m always pretending to be normal afterwards the first time I had given actual consent to having sex with him~ so is it really rape if I consent to another time AFTER the “rape”? He’s so nice to me beforehand and afterwards, yet during he doesn’t stop despite me saying “stop” “no” or physically pushing him away as hard as I can.

And now 5 months later, after me being happy and not thinking about the first time or thinking that theres anything wrong with what hes doing now, I've just been so upset and wondering whether I should talk to him about it and HOW id do that. The problem is that, i dont think he sees what hes doing or did as rape or sexual assault because of how I act afterwards and during. And that I've never gotten upset with him for it. I have no one to talk to about this either seeing as my friends introduced me to him now theyre all friends with him too. So if I do talk to any of them about it or even HIM it could potentially break up my friend group ALONG with my relationship. Especially if he takes it as me saying he raped and sexually assaulted me, and borderline still does with not taking me "no" seriously.

Please help.