Going through trauma from parents

I feel like now being 25 and a full fledged adult, i am only just now able to look back on what I went through as a child with my parents.

I mean granite they have given me a lot but the physical and emotional abuse has been damaging.

When I look at my boyfriends parents and how they treat him, it is no where near like how my parents still treat me to this day.

Being 9 or 10 and putting back a plate wrong in the cabinet and then having your dad look you in the eye and say “I can’t wait until you turn 18 and I kick you out, and if I never see you again it will be the happiest day of my life” he would say that every single time me or my brother made some sort of mistake.

My dads new line that he says to me and my mom and my brother is “I wish I can leave you three. If I left it would elevate my life but I have to stay here because you three would never make it on your own.”

My mom has also had her fair share of exchange of words to me. Not as bad as my dad but she has said things to me as well and has been criticizing me from day 1.

If I cooked pasta too long it was always “you can’t do anything right, you’re stupid, you are going no where in life.”

I feel like my boyfriend always gets confused why I’m so nice and a people pleaser but I guess it’s because I never want to mess up. I’m afraid of failing because of the constant judgement and critism I get from my parents. To this day they STILL treat me like I am stupid, incapable. It’s completely ruined my self confidence in a lot of things.

I can never have a conversation with my parents and neither can my brother. It always ends in things that we don’t do enough, or not being good enough, or just not being enough. I understand tough love but there is a way to do it.

The first thing my dad said to me today was not hey good morning. It was “you always leave your cup of water half full and on the counter. You can’t do that. That’s so disrespectful and abusive to me and your mother. It’s a shame that we have to live like that. What if we knock it over? Have some respect.”

The craziest part is, to everyone on the outside, they are fun loving, normal, and a good time. My boyfriend thinks they are so sweet since I never told him any of this. My grandparents don’t know my dad belittles my mom, and he acts like an angel around them. My aunts and cousins think so highly of them. It’s sickening.