my boyfriend of almost two years and i went on a date to a pizza place . we were going to go to his parents house and watch a movie but his dad is weird and moody so they said nevermind dont come over here. so we said fine that’s fine and i called my mom or she called me and said we could come to my house and hang out there with my family. we said yes that sounds good let’s go there. so he asked if i wanted to have sex, i didn’t feel like it but he gets weird when i say no so i said “i don’t think so”. then he said he knew a place we could go, i said that i thought we should just go home, i wasn’t in the mood. he turned on the road and i said, “seriously no, i just want to go home.” he said no no let’s just go here and do it really quick. i saw the place, it was a dirt road off of the road i live on and i said no let’s go home i don’t want to do it, especially not here. he said yes. he said it’ll just be really quick and we’re already here so let’s do it. i said jonathan no i don’t want to. then everytime i said “no”, he said “yes” i said “no” back to back probably 15 times and everytime i said no he said yes. i was very nervous, especially given my history, (i was sexually assaulted two years ago. and he knows that) and i was seriously, genuinely tell him no. and i meant no. i was not raised to “jokingly” say no and not 100% mean no. so he kept pressuring me, guilting me, saying it’s been so long and all that so finally i was like fine let’s just get it over with bc i’m not getting out of this. i was scared. he was getting frustrated. so we got out of the car and he pushed me over the front of the car, and did it. i was kinda shocked at how fast it happened, i just wanted it to be over so i told him to hurry up and get it over with. he finished, we got back in the car and went to my house. i felt very violated and scared but at the same time i didn’t know what to do bc i did say yes, even though i only consented bc i was pressured to and i told him no but i also eventually told him yes. i tried my best to act normal the rest of the night, i did pretty good. on the inside i was freaking out. trying not to show it. the next morning it kinda hit me what had happened. i could barely talk to him. i told him i felt weird about it and i was uncomfortable. he said he was so sorry, that he thought i was jokingly saying no and that i actually wanted it. i said i wouldn’t have done that and i didn’t want to do it and he seriously pressured me big time. i kept telling him no and he said yes and just pushed me down and did it. i hardly talked to him for the next few days. on sunday i told my mother and that day, i ended up breaking up with him. i’m so confused as to what happened. i eventually did consent, even though i was pressured and guilted into it. was this rape? i don’t even know anymore. i feel so awful and worthless and violated and i also don’t know how to feel. he was my best friend. and he knew what i’d been through in the past. he was the person i trusted the most and now i can’t even look at him. any advice or prayers or anything is appreciated, thank you.