Raped by my stepfather and now my mom hates me

Im really scared. Scared of the future, scared of where my life is headed, scared I might hurt myself, scared of absolutely everything. It’s all so fresh and still hurts like hell but I refuse to give up.

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The first time i remember I was in seventh grade. I remember multiple times to be exact. Not quite sure which ones came before or after but I do remember how. As I write this I can’t think of anything else to call him but my stepdad and even that is hard because I always called him dad as he was the one who raised me. There were times where he would smack my ass and times where he’d come in my room and lay down next to me and as he touched the trim of my bra would ask me “who do these belong to”. I would very timidly say that they were mine, I mean of course my boobs belonged to me. He would do the same for my vagina, touching the trim for my underwear and the same for my ass.I remember that over the years he would touch me when my mom wasn’t home yet I never really spoke up.

When I started wearing thongs he would come up to me and hug me and reach into the back of my pants and ask me what kind of underwear I was wearing. I had always felt as if it was wrong and I was uncomfortable around him yet when I’d wear spandex around my house as loungewear and he’d smack my ass in front of my mom she never said anything. I was scared to speak up. Over the years there would be periods where he wouldn’t touch me and as soon as I’d be forgetting that he once did he’d start again. It was on and off from seventh grade all the way into high school sophomore year.

Junior year things took a turn. I had fallen asleep with my mom in her room and he had been working nights. In the middle of the night my mom got up and went to tend to my younger brother and ended up falling asleep with him.Very early in the morning when it was still dark out my stepdad gets home and crawls into bed. I suddenly feel he’s getting closer and he’s trying to pull my pants down, I feel his dick rubbing up against my ass and I jump out of bed and ran to my room. My mother was startled and when she went back to her room to ask him what happened he told her he had confused me for her. I do believe my mother and I look alike but I don’t believe he confused me for her. I told her why I was angry and I talked about all the other times where he had touched me and instead of getting to the bottom of it she ended up pushing me to make up with him and accept his apology. He shamed me for thinking that he wanted to have sex with me and mentally it took a really big tool on me.

Fast forward one year and things were yet again taking a turn for the worse. It was December 5,2019. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I had gotten home from school and I had been about to smoke weed when my stepdad came into the house. He claimed that there was a strong smell but I just went to my room. Next thing you know he’s asking me if everything’s okay because I’d been having arguments with my mom. I thought he genuinely cared. He told me to sit on his lap and that’s when I noticed things were off. He kept saying my clothes smelled like weed really bad and he kept trying to take them off. I kept trying to stop him but I was scared. I realized that he thought I was high so I played along. He had managed to take my pants off and was trying to kiss me and I was acting like I was super stoned and just trying to avoid contact without having to fight him. I finally convinced him I was so high that I needed Wendy’s right that minute. His exact words were”if I go get you food now you won’t want me to touch you when i come back”. In the time he agreed to leave I called my boyfriend and told him what was happening. I wanted to record and catch him red handed so I could show my mom and she’d believe me this time.

That wasn’t the smartest idea ever. The few who I’ve told my story to get angry because they say my boyfriend shouldn’t have left me there knowing what was going to happen, yet I don’t blame him. I wanted to get proof because I needed my mom to see and hear that I wasn’t crazy. I don’t blame my boyfriend because I know he tried to get me to leave so bad but I had my mind set.

By the time my dad came back I was underneath my bed covers hoping that if I was wrong about his intentions he wouldn’t try and come get in with me. I was wrong. He got into the bed and started to touch me and kiss me. I kept cooperating but not giving anything back, I was limp and practically frozen. When he tried to put his hand down to finger me that’s when I finally darted up and said no more. What followed has horrific. I yelled at him for trying to have sex with me and ran down the stairs. Next thing I know he’s chasing me and is dragging me in my underwear and tube top across the front lawn as I’m screaming for help. I don’t know how but I managed to slip away and I ran to the neighbor who happened to be outside. He yelled that I was crazy and on drugs.

I called my mom and my boyfriend (he was in the neighborhood waiting to hear back from me). Turns out that when I ran to the neighbors house for help my dad called my mom and told her that he caught my boyfriend and I in the house smoking weed and that it was all an elaborate plan to get rid of him. My mom believed him, well at first.

That night she kicked him out of the house and she seemed like she was supporting me. We decided to not call the cops because I didn’t want him to be deported (he was in the process of obtaining his residency) because I have two younger brothers 13 and 6 y/o. The following weeks were hell. We argued all the time. She wanted to force me to meet up and talk the three of us so that she could “find out the truth”. She told me she didn’t have a family because of me and that she blamed me for everything, even after she told he had admitted to what he did.

Now they’re back to living together and although I did move in with my aunt I’m now moving out with my boyfriend. She doesn’t like my boyfriend and always talks bad about him. Over the past week or two we had been making progress on mending our relationship. Today when she came to my aunts (she usually comes over once a week or so and sometimes brings my brother) she started saying that my boyfriend was gay because he used to have a man bun and she started being really nasty about some other things as well. Naturally, I got mad and I told her to keep her mouth shut about my boyfriend because I have a lot id like to say about hers. She then storms out of the house blaming it on me. An hour or so later I receive a text. She told me that I always ruin everything and that she couldn’t take the disrespect anymore. I told her that if she simply kept my boyfriends name out of her mouth like I do her husbands then we would be okay. She then texted me that she has had enough of me and my bullshit along with the disrespect and that told me to have a nice life and to not contact her anymore.

I’m really broken and although I talk with my boyfriend I’m still not okay. It’s been months and I’m hopeless. I’m only 18 and I was set to start college in the summer. Now I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m scared because I don’t know how I’m going to pay for all my expenses and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that while being mentally healthy. I’m really really reaching my breaking point and I just really need help.