Not very accepting

So for the past 2 years, I've been trying to explore what I believed in. I'm not Christan, and I'm not an atheist. I realised I was spiritual, so that's what I identify as. Well, I always felt held back in my past relationship. I always told my ex I was an athiest because he said he wouldn't want to date someone who's religious (Its one of the many things he's stubborn on). Anyway, we broke up, I moved back home, and now I'm finally starting to explore the deeper world of witchcraft. I began to get really excited, do my research, find crystals, and maybe start an alter. I had plans on going to the bookstore when the quarantine was over so I could gather up some books. Well, when I told my family this, they got upset. Very upset. Both my parents got beyond mad and told me I was stupid, closed minded, and witchcraft was a horrible fucking thing. They basically believe it's satanic. They're also heavily Christian. They obviously dont practice because we don't go to church, but the thought of anything other than Christianity pisses them off beyond belief. I've tried having conversations about it, but they shut me down and insult me. I've always felt like the outcast in my family. I'm not like everyone else. I don't like country, I'm not Christian, and I'm kind of a dark person. I'm the only one to have ever gone through a "goth/emo phase" and nobody really understood. They all thought it was me trying to follow everyone else, that's not it at all. I hated when they said it was all for showing off. I liked dying my hair and wearing dark clothes, but I got bullied so much about it, I forced myself to wear things that didn't feel like me. I instead fell into a hippie type of style. I loved it, but it didn't feel like me. Dark clothes feel like me; Witchcraft feels like me. I just want my family to accept who I am, but it's either I'm Christian or I'm "disrespecting the family". I never talk down on it, I want to converse about it. If my family wanted to go to church with my grandparents, I'd ask to opt out because it's not my thing, and they'd yell at me, call me disrespectful, and call me names. Like, you're the one disrespecting me and my beliefs,stop shoving Christ down my throat.

My practice is so innocent and pure. I want to cast protection spells on my family, healing and good energy. I want to reach out. How is that satanic? How is that so disgusting and bad? I want to worship deities and have a relationship with them, why is that so bad? I just want to be me, and I can't, Im stuck. Im told it's weird, and unnatural. I'm not allowed to dye my hair unnatural colors or do anything perminent to myself. I'm 20 years old, I just want to be free.

I can't just move out, my name is still on the lease for my ex boyfriend and I's apartment, and our landlord isnt there so we can sign my name off. I was forced to quit my job due to moving back home, I had to use all of my money to pay my car, and I'm currently in the process of finding work. It's hard, it sucks, and I just want to practice and be in charge of something that makes me happy. One thing. I just want to feel and look like me. Who I really want to be.