Losing myself ... losing you .... lost us

I’m losing myself and you don’t even see it. I’m miserable and you don’t care about it. I’m drowning being a mom and a wife and you throw back then I’ll stay home and you go to work. I cry myself to sleep but you don’t hear the muffled noise or maybe you do. We aren’t the same two people who went for a late night swim. We aren’t the same two people who said I do on that snowy magical day. And that’s ok because that’s what life does it makes you grow and change. What I fear is that we grew apart that we changed so much that our love isn’t the same. And not in a stronger kinda of way. I know I’m not easy an person to love and I know that you don’t always want to be here with me when you are. I see it in your eyes and the way you just shut us out. You’re escaping from it all. Even if you aren’t that’s how you make me feel. Go ahead dismiss those feelings, get mad at me and shut me out it’s what you do it’s what I expect. When you hear something you don’t like you just shut me out make me feel like I’m an asshole for having feelings about something.

I’m lost in my thoughts and they always go right back you cheating and the things she said to me. The things you deny and think I’m stupid enough to believe. Our marriage fell apart and I’m the only one willing to pick them up again. I want to believe with every fiber of my being that you stay because you love me and want me and need me. But I also feel like your afraid to leave, I take care of you make sure you have the things you need, sure I’m not a good housekeeper and I don’t always get up to pack/make you a lunch but I still do all the things for you. You won’t find that you can pretend you will but name one other woman (our age) you know who does for their boyfriend/husband what I do for you. And I think you stay because of that, because of the kids fear that I won’t let you see them or fear that I’ll take your money. I wouldn’t and I won’t. I want to FEEL that you stay bc of me. Bc you truly love me. I don’t feel the love. I so badly want to feel the love again. For you to look at me like you did on our wedding day. I want to see love in your eyes again. I’m drowning in doubts and insecurities about our marriage, our life together now and in the future. I don’t know what to do to get you back. Maybe not only have I lost myself but I’ve lost you as well. Maybe we’ve lost each other. I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want to believe that our love story is over. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to not feel this way. I don’t want how to get past this. I don’t know if I just get over it. I want to. I want to move pass all this hurt and anger. I want to move pass all this pain and tears. I want to feel like my love is enough that I am enough for you. I love you always and forever, even if forever isn’t together. I want together, I want forever but maybe we’re to far gone to make forever work anymore. I don’t think I have anymore fight in me. I’m tired of being the only one fighting for us to work fight for us to be together. Maybe we need to take a step back and truly think about what we want. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep most nights, I don’t want to be drowning. I don’t want to lose myself, you or us. I love you beyond words but at some point i have to choose what’s best for me. What’s the best thing I can do to make me a better mom for our kids. They deserve the best I can be. Not just what I can muster up from my self doubt.

I’m done fighting I don’t have it in me anymore. It’s your turn. It’s your turn to fight for us. Staying isn’t enough not when you are visible unhappy being here.