Okay story time:

I have two children. A boy who is 5, he will be 6 in August. And a girl who just turned 4 in April.

This past year I had my first ever miscarriage and it was a HORRIBLE experience. I never really planned to have another baby it’s something that just happened and I had the worst mixed emotions about it. I guess because we are just past the baby stage and I’m working on my business degree and we just over all really aren’t financially stable enough for a third kid. I had lots of insurance issues and wound up not getting into the doc until almost 20 weeks. When they did the ultrasound there was no heart beat. So here I was in a limbo of all limbos. I had come to accept this pregnancy and it was really growing on me and then BAM this.

At this point it was clear my body wasn’t trying to dispose of this on its own therefore they told me come in the following day for a D&C. So i did. And what should have been about an hour long procedure and couple hour recovery became a idk how long surgery that went horribly wrong. I bled so much the doc said he didn’t even know if he “got everything” and I ended up staying two nights and needing a blood transfusion. WHEW I fxxcking know.

ANYWAYS. I feel like I got over it pretty quickly. This was last August and my surgery was the day I started classes but none the less I did what I do best and finished off the semester not a worry in the world. Until now.

School ended about two weeks ago for me. It’s my bachelors degree and I intend to continue on for my masters this summer BUT I am at this point four days late on my period.

Now some of you may think I’m crazy. I can already hear a million voices in my head saying “its too early to tell”

BUT LET ME TELL YOU I KNEW. I knew the first day I was late it didn’t take all four of these days to come to that conclusion and on day two I took it upon myself to test.

Part of me thought I was just trippin. I took a plan b two weeks ago and surely it did it’s job. But no, it did not. It did not do its job and I’m right back where I was last time except this time it’s even MORE overwhelming because of this lovely pandemic.

I’m so confused. My partner really doesn’t want a third baby because in reality it’s not smart. I want to be excited about this. I want to accept it for what it is, have it and get my tubes tied but I also do not by any means want to step all over my partner and regret this one day. I HATE MY EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW. I don’t know what to do or how to feel but I know for sure I’m pregnant again and I never realized it could be such a daunting task.

If you made it this far please help me feel better. I’d love to hear from professionals in the labor and delivery field. Like what do you guys expect for labor and delivery in nine months.