Relationship & BPD

I have BPD. Long story short, this makes me at times have extreme paranoia, along side many other damaging relationship traits. My partner knows, and I go to therapy which helps me develop coping skills for how to manage it. But since covid-19 I haven’t been able to see my therapist.

Last week my partner was in the bathroom. When I went in after there was jizz on the floor. I showered and didn’t bring it up. But now everytime he uses the bathroom I‘m convinced he’s wanking! I’m convinced I can hear it! I know masterbation is normal, and it’s my paranoia, but it’s consuming me.

He commented the other day how proud he was of how far I’d come so I worry if I tell him how I’m feeling he will be disappointed. I don’t want him to feel to anxious to shit because I have a mental disorder, it’s not fair. On the contrary I worry that if I don’t and I let it keep bottling up I’ll explode about it later (last time I bottled up, I could not control my emotions even will my coping skills and became suicidal).

Should I talk to him about it before I become irrational? I’m so embarrassed and I’m trying so hard to forget it but as soon as he goes into the bathroom it’s like my brain switches and I don’t trust him and am convinced he’s betraying me. It’s so awful!!!! 🥺🥺🥺