Dear lovely 20 month old boy, one and only son.

I just wanted to say how much my heart ached when I saw what happened today, I am so sorry my love. You watched a man in his driveway hosing down his car and he was a stranger, but I knew who you thought of.

I am sorry that when men visit the house and they are family or husbands of others, I know you don't want to see them leave. I know why.

I am sorry you wait from 1pm and your dad arrives at 1.20, or 1.30 or picks another day even though you are dressed and ready. I am sad he only picks a Sunday to come c you and he has the entire week, even after work. I am sorry you watch every ute driving past or truck on the road for lengths of time, longing for him.

I didn't mean to make your heart break so much like this in the world by someone who helped to put you on earth.

I am mad he won't make an effort ever since you were born, but I will always comfort you and be there and so will your sister on the way.

I can't make him have a heart beating for you as much as mine does now and I can't get him to spend some money on toys or clothes for your daycare, it just was never in his blood.

Some day my son, he is gonna feel the pinch of losing you and want to take you back, or some day you will warm up to someone else like you did your own dad.

But for now my heart breaks for you as you try to get someone to care that you exist.

I was glad you came on this earth when you did and I am glad I took care of you like I am.

Don't waste your tears on someone who didn't wanna have you born....