My mind knows what my heart can’t bear

I thought this was forever; we made a promise.

We were so good together. How could this be? We had so many plans. We had a picture perfect life. How did we get here?

I lie next to you uncontrollably trembling at these thoughts. You used to make my body tremble after making love to me. I felt so special as if no other could have what I had. I used to cry with laughter from your “stand-up” Now my eyes overflow with sadness Heartbreak!

I don’t want this to be true. I wish I didn’t know. We are just too in tune. I tried to push the thoughts out. My heart wishes I could ignore it. I gave it to you with promises it would be protected. I gave all of me to you. Now I regret not saving some for myself. You never cherished it. You weren’t careful with it. You took it for granted. You didn’t really want it but, you liked the attention. Through the years after each little bruise and crack; I stupidly kept just giving it back to you. I kept hoping you’d see my value. I wished for you to love me the way I love you. I believed it would end. I just knew you’d come to your senses. You had to see I was the one there through your worst. I supported you no matter what. Does that not count? My heart needed to believe that it would all be worth it in the end. That if I endured some really hard times I’d finally be rewarded with your love and devotion. My mind knows now I was only giving permission for it to continue.

You knew the pain I had endured for most of my life. You knew I came to you with a previously damaged heart. You know it’s more than just us involved. Yet still you allow this to happen. You sleep so peacefully beside me as I lie awake experiencing the most excruciating pain; one which has no cure other than time and even still I will walk away scarred. I prayed my whole life for someone like who I thought you were. Maybe I’m to blame. Maybe you never were that person. My mind knows who you really are but my heart isn’t ready. My heart aches terribly because my minds knowledge. I’ve been trying to prepare myself since the last time. I’m still not there. I don’t want to but, know I’d only be delaying the inevitable. How could I allow this again? Why did I keep ignoring all the red flags? If I just would have let you go the first time. I wouldn’t be here now. I’d give anything to Not be here!

Why is it me who feels such shame I post anonymously? I will take responsibility for giving you more chances than I should have. It’s my fault I stayed but it’s you that should feel the shame it’s you that should be lying awake crying wondering why you’re not good enough

I lack proof this time but my mind knows or am I really crazy? How dare you make me feel this way.