Hello, I normally do not post on social media, this is my first time so im honestly quite nervous. But I just need to put my feelings into words and rant. I tried to make it as short as I could. 🖤

Backstory-

First off I am 15 years old and my brother in question is 29. He grew up in a very different household than I did, before I was born my father was an alcoholic. This means he and all my other siblings, J (28 yrs), B (35 yrs), M (37 yrs), grew up in a very different environment than I did. I kind of grew up as an only child, and I will admit I grew up spoiled compared to my older siblings.

Around 2014/15 is when my brother started developing depression and suicidal thoughts, as far as I can tell. The closest he has got to killing himself was back then. I was told he had been standing on a cliff when my mother tracked his phone and called the cops to get him. As you can guess this sent an alarm through the whole family. And so we had a little family meeting with him, I was in like 4th/5th grade maybe so I was playing with my nieces and nephews when this was happening. But as far as I know, he slowly started to get better afters this, and for the next few years he was alright. He did take some kind of prescription medication though. And I think that medication is a big factor for what happened to him.

Fast forward to 2019, he broke up with a old girlfriend, G. Through the years of 2015-2019 he has had some slip ups and mood swings but this is when things start to get worrying. Bottom line for their break up is that my brother didn't like G because she was lazy (and fat I guess). They just didnt work out. He started to lean of his medication and take it less when he first started dating G. This work out well and the two were happy for a bit, but decided that being friends was the better way to go. A little bit after the break up he seemed to be getting more and more mood swings.

I dont really know what to call them but at night he gets really depressed and sometimes drunk. He tends to text our mother and older sister. He is a bit of a sexist in my opinion, prone to telling them that girls can get guys and everything so easy. That it is so much harder for a guy to get a girl because guys have to be the one to make the first move. He will end up getting mad at my mother for being a woman. Lots of sexist slurs and when I try to help he says that I will never understand because since I am a girl I can apparently get any guy I want. And also lots of suicidal thoughts are written in those texts as well. My father says he is doing this just for attention, I used to think that but not so much anymore.

He ends up meeting a new girl, S. I really thought S was the one for a bit. He was starting to take his medication a bit more and seemed generally happier. That is until they broke up. He didnt like her because she was too energetic and stuff (and fat too I guess). I didnt really ask at this time as this is when I started getting my own depressed thoughts, formed by my social anxiety (why I dont post).

And so he has been spiraling down a suicidal hole ever since. He has tried online dating and thinks only the "fat and ugly chicks" want him. Of course depression is not a steady line so he is fine one day then he is drunk and doing dangerous actions (going over the speed limit on his motorcycle). He has had a few girlfriends that lasted around a week but he has a very picky taste in my opinion.

Today-

Lets fast forward to today. I usually stay up all night on Saturdays so I was sleeping when he came home around 10 AM. He doesn't live with us (our parents and me) but he someones comes over on the weekends and spends the night. Or he will spend the night at our sisters because he likes her kids, especially the younger ones ~9-6 years old. But he comes home and and starts eating and playing really loud country music. Obviously I text mom to tell him to turn it down, he doesn't listen. I then become upset and admitly lose my temper after telling him several times to turn his music down. We yell at eachother, he claims that I shouldn't be sleeping all day (fair point) and that when I first got my 1 year old maltese, he couldn't sleep because of his barking. That was months ago and Hyson doesn't bark at night anymore, he is trained. I call my dad who is out hunting with my other brother and tell him whats going on. I end up having a mental breakdown over the phone because I have not slept yet (still havent by the time im writing this). My dad sort of gets pissed and trys calling my brother, he ignores him. My mother than tells me that I shouldn't have gotten dad involved, my mistake as my dad does have a temper. But by this point me and my mother were both on the verge of mental breakdowns. My mother then tries again to tell him to turn it down, he says that he was just about to leave. I give him 10 minutes and then call my dad again. He trys calling my brother again, no answer. I tell my mother to please make him stop playing his music so loud, because he turned it up. My mother gets mad at him and tells him to at least go to the other room. No can do. I have another mental breakdown with my mother and then we hear a loud bang. He had broken the TV stand and threw a book. He storms out calling us gay and faggots and other slurs. My mother finally breaks and cries a little. I think he is now with my sisters kids somewhere.

I do not know what to do anymore. I do not want him to step over me but at the same time it feels like I could lose him any second. And I do not want my last memory and our last moment to be an argument. He doesn't take his medication anymore I dont think, because he says it gives him headaches and other symptoms.

I dont want to lose him but is there really anything I can do? Any second now I could lose him, and the mental stress this is putting on my family (my sister and mother) is exhausting. I have never seen him as angry as he was today, this is the first time he has broken something.

I want to be helpful to him, I want him to see there is people out there who love him. But he hates himself and the world so much its like he couldn't care what I say. I am nothing more than his over dramatic crybaby little sister. The only person he usually listens to is dad, and today he said he would fight him.

I think he ties his self worth to having a girlfriend. He is fine and happy with one but as soon as she is gone he falls a little deeper each time.

I love him, I truly do. I want him to be happy but there is nothing I can do when he gets in a mood. I just hope that he doesn't kill himself in the end. I love him and I dont know what I would do without him.

If anyone reads this then thank you, I dont really know why I typed this, but I feel a little bit better now. If you have any advice for me on how to help him then thank you. 🖤

Self harm

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