I used to be in a very abusive relationship for four years. To give you an idea how bad, I was the second most severe case in the DV shelter I ran away to. I’m in therapy still (three years later) but still have PTSD. I usually have dreams but I’m curious what people might interpret this to be because my therapist says something I’m not sure about. I have a boyfriend now and we’ve been together about three years so right around when I started therapy. He gave me a run for my money, never hurting me physically, but lying, hid an addiction, all this stuff but he’s been trying to be better and has actually kicked the addiction.

Last night I had a dream that I was with my abuser again. This is a common dream, where I panic, asking myself “why did I go back” “how am I going to get away” and usually trying to find a way out of the “relationship” again. I will realize in the dream that this isn’t what I want, I’m disappointed in myself for putting myself in that situation again, and usually I feel fearful and anxious in my dreams. I feel like I can’t get away, my feet don’t run as fast, I’m trying to run away with my dogs and then I have to worry if he’s right behind me, sometimes I don’t make it out and the dream will turn worse and I’ll relive the torture. I wake up hating myself for being back in that situation because I got out and my dream makes me feel like it’s real.

My therapist thinks that it’s actually my subconscious comparing my current relationship to the abusive one. She says that because I’m used to abuse 10/10 that I am settling for a 4/10 (mental abuse) because it’s not as bad. That I am trying to tell myself this isn’t good by taking the one thing I never want to be in again and putting me there. But that I secretly want out because I feel like I don’t get treated right. She says this because sometimes the abuser is not my real abuser but it’s my current boyfriend.

What she says makes sense because I do question the relationship sometimes but I also think it might just be my PTSD coming in the form of nightmares. I’m not really sure and wanted to know what you guys think.