Today I miscarried my first pregnancy. TW

Tucked in my nightstand is the Father's Day present I ordered for my dad this year that reads "World's Greatest Grandpa". A surprise he won't be getting any time soon.

In May I was sitting on my bathroom floor sobbing because for the first time since I can recall, I didn't feel like my body had failed me. This month I sat outside of my doctor's office sobbing because yet again it had let me down. When I found out I was pregnant I swore by everything in me that I would do everything in my power to maintain a healthy lifestyle and pregnancy for my child. This was the first time I've ever been pregnant, so I wanted to do everything right. Hearing my doctor tell me there's nothing I could have done different doesn't make me feel any less like my body has failed my baby. And it doesn't take away the pain I never knew I could feel of mourning the loss of somebody I loved but never met.

We now have an empty bedroom we were so excited to empty, but won't be using. A half a million pinterest boards we won't be using. Lists of baby names we wont be choosing. And a gift for my father we wont be giving this year. But one day we will. And if we won't, then that's part of our journey we will grow to accept.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my best friend about how I don't know that I would appreciate the relationship I have with my husband as much had I not been through the things I had in the past. The past was part of my process that shaped my future so that I could appreciate the blessings I'm given without taking them for granted. And as badly as I didn't want to have to go through this pain I'm going through now, I trust that this is all part of the process. Whatever phase of my life this heartache is preparing me for, I'll embrace it with open arms. There will be a rainbow at the end of this storm.