Resentment

I just need some support as I’m having a really hard time. My depression is really getting the best of me. I’m having really strong resentment feelings towards not waiting to have kids. My husband and I did agree together to get my BC taken out to start trying but I’m really starting to resent doing so. I love my kids and I can’t imagine life without them but I really, really wish I would’ve waited. I feel like I have no help and that I do everything myself being a SAHM. I know my husband provides and works his ass off but I just feel so alone and like it’s just me in this. I hate myself more and more everyday, my manic just doesn’t seem to kick in at all. I have really bad disassociation episodes and I don’t know what to do. Eating and sleeping are very difficult and I just feel myself slipping and I know I can’t for my kids but I don’t know how to stop it. My suicidal ideation keeps getting worse but I would never act on it for my kids but sometimes it really scares me. My self harm thoughts keeps getting worse and that I did act on a few months after being clean for YEARS and I just feel so disgusted with myself. I could just really use some support in lifting my head up.

Edited to add in:

I feel like my parenting is constantly being questioned and belittled by my mother since I’m younger (I just turned 21 and have 2 kids). I never seem to be doing anything right or the way she wants it and I’m tired of feeling the way I do. Everyone in my family + my husband sometimes makes me feel like I wish that I had never had kids in the first place and I hate feeling this way but I don’t know how to make it go away