posted & no one responded, please help...

so i’m wondering if i can go to the doctor without my parents finding out. i want to get tested but my mom has the password to my portal (gyno records) and i’m on my dad’s insurance so he gets the bill, and even though i don’t talk to him he still brings it up to my mom when he gets it.

the only reason i want to get tested without my mom knowing is because i’ve had a boyfriend who i’ve been with for almost two years, and no, i didn’t cheat on him, but i don’t want her to think that i did and i can’t tell her the reason i want to get tested because, well, it’s embarrassing enough and already makes me want to die with only me knowing as it is. i used a friends vibrator and i dont know how long before i used it that she did and before anyone says that’s disgusting or whatever, i know, and i already don’t even feel like a person anymore so any unkind words would be really destructive right now.

if i have something i’m literally going to kill myself. i don’t know why i did that it’s not something i would normally do but it’s been weeks and the anxiety it’s giving me is getting to be unhealthy.

i don’t go for my annual exam until december and if i have something that can mess up my reproductive system i don’t want to wait that long. please, if you have any guidance or advice feel free to leave it

***edit because i finally got some responses-

i thought about telling her i need to go for a yeast infection, but we both get them recurrently so we have diflucan pills stashed in our medicine cabinet so she would just give me one of those. i could say it’s for a uti but my mom and i are so close (except, of course this is the only thing we don’t talk about because she was raised as a conservative catholic and thinks masturbation is wrong), she would know i’m lying and also if i went to the doctor for a “uti” and my dad got an $800 bill for a pap smear, she would just figure it out herself and shame me passive aggressively. either that or she would send me to the pediatrician which would cause a list of other problems for me. the last time i got a pap was when i had a uti for the first time and didn’t know what it was. my dad got the bill, screenshotted it, and sent it to my mom with the response, “she must be having sex again.” uh, yeah? i’m 17 and in a relationship of almost two years, my mom knows we have sex but my dad is a manipulative asshole and that’s why she divorced him in the first place.

i gave some detail about my parents for the person saying i’m clearly young and inexperienced. yes, i’m young and inexperienced with sex toys because those have been shunned in my family my entire life and it’s not like they teach you that stuff in school (and like i said, obviously my mom isn’t going to have that talk) but no, i’m not inexperienced fully and i believe i AM ready to be having sex and that’s why i have been for several years now and i’ve taken responsible precautions and put myself on birth control. i truly don’t know what came over me when i decided to use it, and i’ve already been told it’s gross, unhygienic and makes me a disgusting person, and i’m sure you thought about that, so thank you for adding it anyway. it’s not that i’m trying to sneak around and hide shit, it’s the fact that i’m surrounded by so much judgement and it’s already made me break once before and i can’t do it again.