I cheated on my fiance....

One month after my fiance and I met and were dating, I cheated on him with my ex. I didn't tell him until 6 months after I cheated on him because I felt the relationship was moving towards a more serious area and wanted him to know everything about me. This was before he proposed to me. We talked it out together, went through the emotions of it all, and decided we could work through it and repair the trust as much as possible. Ever since then, I've been careful not to cause him to think I were cheating on him. My ex lives 3000 miles away and I have no contact with him at all. It was an oopsies and huge stupid mistake on my part that happened when I went to go visit friends and family back home.

My ex and I had a troubled relationship, seriously troubled. I don't even know if I'm allowed to call him an ex boyfriend, but more of an ex situation, as I found out, a few months after I moved away, that he had a girlfriend for the 1.5 years that he was living with me and off of me. I never charged him rent, gas, food, nothing because I was trying to help him help himself and get on his feet. We had been in this situation for over 5 years and I realized I was addicted to an alcoholic abuser, who never put his hands on me but caused me severe emotional abuse.

By the time I met my current fiance, I had been away from my ex for over 1.5 years, thinking I had moved on from him completely. Just like some addicts do, my sobriety of this asshole wore off and I slipped back into the demented realm when I went back to visit and his sharp claws trapped me in his pool of shit and shit happened. I didn't want to tell my fiance that I was only dating at the time because I was sure he wouldn't have understood and would've probably ended the relationship right then and there. I slipped up and wasn't ready to face that truth yet.

So months and months go by, and I finally told my fiance the truth about the cheating maybe 6 months after. Today, it's been a year since I've told him and since then we've become engaged and I'm 20wks pregnant with our first child. Maybe forgiveness is possible after all?

Well, from our recent arguments and the latest one from today, he has not forgiven me of cheating on him long ago. It has me really sad, due to the fact that when I told him, I was ready to leave the relationship as I figured that's what he would've wanted to do. But he was sure we could move past it and face it, so we committed to talking about it and laying out our boundaries. And over and over, when we fight, he brings up the fact that I cheated on him and that he can't trust me. I didn't realize the severity of his untrust in me until last night, when I overheard a conversation he was having with his male friends group about me. I told him I overheard a bit of the conversation and was worried that he'd think I was listening to it intentionally, which I was not. That began the fight and the revealing truth that this man does not trust a word I say.

So here we are today, at the point where I'm not sure this is the best place for our relationship if after over 2 years ago, I cheated on him, and 1.5 years ago I told him about it, and we are still discussing it today and being accused of lying about everything I say. I made a mistake, a long time ago, I admit that and thought we worked through it. My misunderstanding of the whole situation is why would he propose, why would we want to build a family, while deep down inside, he still doesn't trust me? What's the point? Why did he make these decisions and then not really want it? Why would you propose to someone you don't fully trust and then make a baby with them?

How do we move on from here? We've tried couple's counseling once, but couldn't continue due to lack of funds. But I thought we had moved past this and it looks like we are only now getting in the thick of it. I've tried my best to do right by this man, but how can we move forward if he hasn't forgiven me and what I've done? And will I have to keep proving myself to him that I'm worthy of his trust? I'm so tired and my pregnancy hormones are not helping this situation resolve any better either. This makes no sense to me!

And to the ladies out there who will, more than likely, call me trash, thank you. I already know this 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️. It was a mistake, a terrible one. Your words won't make me feel any worse about it but thanks for trying?🤷🏽‍♀️