I really like this guy..but I’ve started to notice that liking him is destroying my mental health..

I’ve known this guy for a second now (won’t go into detail about the specific amount of years, but yeah, it’s been a few years) and I’ve liked him ever since. I thought he was cute. I thought he had a kind personality (he still does). We met when we were younger and became friends. We went to school together, but ended up going to different high schools, yet we we’re friends and kept in touch. He had a gf, and I dated other guys, but I still liked him. Eventually, after hs, he told me that he was interested in me, and wanted to start talking (talking is another word for dating lol) to me..me still having that crush and hearing that had me excited af! But there was an issue..the ex was still weirdly in the picture. He said that he still had to stay in her life due to her mental health (now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that he was playing me, but I was naive, and I didn’t wanna seem jealous or bitter, so I went with it). Eventually, he finally “leaves” (pay attention to this) her alone, and he becomes mine, and I was pretty happy.

My problem is this..he does a lot of things that genuinely hurt me, like his disappearing acts. He constantly comes in and out of my life, sometimes for months on end. He does this a lot, so the cycle usually does like this: he comes back into my life, we’re happy (but in the back of my mind, I’m already sad, because I already know what’s gonna happen, the conversations become kinda dry, he leaves, and I become depressed for a while..and they cycle keeps going on and on. I’m not sure where he goes when he disappears out of my life..but I have a pretty good idea. Remember when I said he “left” the other girl? I’m pretty sure he goes back to her, and my evidence is that when she was still in his life, he would go to her. So yeah when he’s gone...I just feel terrible. I randomly cry. I stress eat more than usual. I sit in paranoia thinking about everything I could have done wrong. “Am I not pretty or interesting enough?” “Do I not give him enough attention?” “Maybe I could spend more time with him?” “What’s wrong with me?” And I feel like he does not care about me, or anything that I have going on in my life. I always try to ask him and talk to him about his life. I always ask if he’s okay. Recently he really hasn’t been asking me about what’s going on, even though he knows that I’m going through stuff right now. I don’t think he takes the things that stress me out seriously; I’m going on to my 3rd year of college, and I’m taking summer courses. I sometimes complain to him about how stressful they are, but he gives me the blandest responses.

I don’t like that every time he does this, I forgive him. He comes up with a bullshit excuse and I forgive him. It’s like I can’t live without him or something. Every time he leaves, I think about the ex, and I don’t like that. I feel so weak. And the worst part about it is I don’t have much of a back bone to confront him about it. I try to, but I think that he knows how much I adore him..he uses that to his advantage. So trying to check him doesn’t work.

I’m pretty sure that I no longer want him in my life.I not even sure if I if I still have the feelings..I don’t understand how anyone sleeps at night knowing that someone cares about them so deeply, yet they treat them like shit. I have other personal things going on in my life, and I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with his shit anymore. But yeah..I’m tired of the tears. I’m tired of the constant paranoia. I’m tired of wondering if the feelings I have are made up/ in my head or if the feelings are real, and he really is treating me terribly.

I’m writing this in tears. I would greatly appreciate advice, even if the words are harsh.