I'm 50 shades of fucked up. No wonder I can't keep a relationship EDIT

My life is a fucking mess. When I was younger, maybe about 9 or 10 years old my uncle lived with us as he and his wife split temporarily. One night I woke up and he had climbed into my bed and I woke up to him kissing and nibbling on my ear. I was so afraid I went and slept in my brothers bedroom with him. I think he was drunk at the time and honestly didn't know what he was doing. I don't think for one minute he's that type of person, so it was never brought up and I forgot about it. That was 28 years ago. Life went on but I suppose even though I had blocked it out it was still there subconsciously at the back of my mind. I went off the rails at around 15 and started skipping school, answering my parents back etc. Typical teenage stuff but with a little extra. I met my daughters father at 17 and got pregnant a year later. We lasted 3 years until I found out he cheated on me. I then met someone else and we were together for 9 years and had 2 more children. For 7 of those 9 years he cheated on me with multiple women and left me each time. I always took him back. He made me have 3 abortions in those 9 years and in time my love for him just went and he repulsed me. I left him and stayed single. When I least expected it I met my current partner/ex. He was so lovely, we have now been together for 7 years and have a daughter. We have had a lot of ups and downs in those 7 years and I think a lot of it is related to my past and its slowly all been building up for years and years. We also lost 2 babies before having our little girl. He has put me through a lot, and I've put him through a lot also. But looking back.. Every man in my life has hurt me at some point, the only consistent man who loved me unconditionally was my dad. And he passed away last year. Ever since I've felt numb and all the feelings about my past have surfaced. I've seen a doctor and have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression so I'm taking medication but I've treated my partner badly, not because I intended to because I do love him so much. But because I've built up this defense and I say and do mean things as a way of protecting myself. It's no excuse I know but I think I've actually lost him for good now. He doesn't know all my story as I've never ever spoke about it to anyone. This is the first time I've said (wrote) it out loud. It's all just one big fucking mess and I've lost the man I saw my future with, because it all went so wrong in the past and I got used to the shit life

Wow! I've re read this post and decided to send it to him because I can't face speaking out loud in person about it all. Do you know what he did???? NOTHING!! Absolutely nothing at all. He actually left me on read. I opened up to him about the most difficult situation and he ignore me. I don't know what I was expecting but being ignored wasn't one of them. But in a way I have some sort of closure. I deserve better. And not with a man. I deserve to be happy by myself