Disappointed in my Husband

He's mostly great. He's not a psychologist, but surely after over a decade together he should sort of know when to do what. We've lost 4 babies over the years. An ectopic at 7w6d, a stillborn at 20w to cervical incompetence, a blighted ovum at 5w4d and a late miscarriage at 13w3d again to cervical incompetence. Between the first 3 losses and the last, we were blessed with 2 premmie rainbows 5.5yrs apart. Our 13w3d angel son's first birthday/angelversary is in less then 2 weeks, and I'm not coping. Not even a bit. Tonight our toddler rainbow wrecked my journal that I have been writing my grief journey in. Then because my husband "let me sleep in" aka shut our door and went on his PC and let our children run feral, the tv remote was misplaced, so I was unable to adjust the volume of the tv to wind down and relax and watch some tv, I looked everywhere, in every draw, shelf tub, cupboard, under furniture, in it etc then decided to empty a bin bag full of stuff I'd decluttered from draws earlier, getting upset obviously as I'd already been triggered by a BFN, and my journal wrecked. He comes out with attitude and finds it behind the curtains on the sill. I got angry that he didn't come help me sooner, and he went to bed. Leaving me to clean up the emptied bag of rubbish on my own (he had said he'd help me clean the house earlier which didn't happen). I lost it an for the first time in probably 9 years, I broke stuff, I kicked and dented bins, I threw my backing dish, I kicked rubbish aroumd and shook the baby gates, I was mad at him. At the universe. At myself. He came out and called me pathetic and angrily went back to bed. I cleaned up the mess in tears, I just wanted to kill myself, I cleaned up blades he bought home from work and thought about cutting as I picked them up, I had to wash all our panadol down the sink so that wasn't option I'd come back to. All alone. Cleaning up the chaos the exploded from me. I never explode like this. Why did he not think to himself that he should stay with me in that moment? Why did he seem like he couldn't care less 😭 I feel so alone