Confused

Hello, I’m writing about this for the first time. I have not told any of my friends or family members. But the stress is taking a toll on me

I’m 23 and my partner is 26. We are both asian ethnicity but of different countries, henceforth very different cultures (hint: he’s from north and I’m from south east). It hasn’t been a barrier, but just a quick fact.

When we first started our relationship there weren’t any alarming issues until the night that he got super drunk and started acting extremely violent towards me. He did not hit me that night, but he did smash his own phone and the police has to separate us.

He apologised since then and has changed for the better (he quit alcohol!) which is amazing. And we also both quit smoking tobacco too.

Everything was fine until we decided to move in together. That’s when the tension started. It was stressful from the get go; the stress of selling furniture, cleaning, and ending both leases and consolidating our stuff together made him very frustrated at me at times. I am not efficient at some things such as cleaning, whereas he has had lots of experience cleaning in large volumes due to his time in the army. Regardless, I brushed it off and blamed our tension due to moving. Once we settled down, in our new apartment, everything was great. The thing is, everybody loves and adores him . He’s handsome and is very articulate with his words. He can get great deals very quickly.

I started receiving more income from the government, and he started to suggest that we shop since we are now stable. The shopping, unfortunately, caused major tension. He placed me in charge of the money for both of us. There were times when I accidentally lost money (for example buying unnecessary purchases deemed by him) . And I did make a grave mistake by accidentally inputting the wrong passcode on his international bank card, resulting in him losing 50% of his interest he worked for. This was a very grave mistake.

He also started to get very worked up whenever I drove . I admit my car is not the best, it’s a very shitty small car. He has ptsd from his father dying from a car related accident. And the combination of this caused him to get frustrated in the car and yell at me constantly if I made a mistake, making me more agitated.

This is when the trouble starts. I’m extremely and emotions exhausted. He first hit me when I mixed up how much money I was receiving from my parents. And continued when I made a mistake while driving. Once he hit me so hard in the nose while driving that my nose started bleeding and I spat blood. My face was unrecognisable for a week. After these incidents when we fought, we always ALWAYS made up and I always forgave him. I know he has a good heart. He is troubled . And his family raised him very differently. They are very strict in terms of manners and culture. He has told me stories of his late dad disciplining him and his brother and although it is a little violent, it seems to have moulded them into successful men. However I’m not sure I can justify him hitting someone he loves, me, regardless. He would always hug and kiss me after and say that he’s sorry. It was in the moment. He can’t justify his actions. And he’ll comfort me and say that we can work through it together.

I got hit yesterday again. For a little context of why, we are running low on money particularly this week and he does smoke 🍁 very heavily. So did I, but recently I’ve stopped in order to save money. However I still have to buy 🍁 for him. The majority of our issues with money is our expense on 🍁 and clothing. All the debt is in my name of course. I’m stressed financially. Emotionally. Physically. I’ve had many chances to leave but have been too afraid and I just simply couldn’t leave him. I love him too much. I recognise that I actually play a huge part in his life, especially since he is a foreigner in the country we currently reside. I am a citizen and the whole pandemic has not been kind to internationals.

I don’t know what to do. We have also talked about marriage . And I do want to marry him but I am terrified of his abusive side. I am so confused . And when we have had arguments he sometimes threatens to hunt my family down and kill them if I ever leave. Or kill me. And I don’t doubt it. I know he only says that when he’s angry and in the moment, but how can I trust him when he himself has hit me so many times . In public too. People have seen him punch me. It’s also scary that nobody fucking helps. People just look.

I honestly feel a lot better just writing this. I have not been able to tell anybody about this. And it’s only scratching the surface. I don’t really know what I’m asking for. Advice? Thoughts? ...

I’m a masters degree holder, yet my actions say otherwise. And I miss my parents so badly. My parents are the main source of income for me, and I have asked them so many times for extra money in the hundreds. To the point my mum has cried.

I don’t know what to do. I’m hurting everybody around me and myself just to be with him. And yet I’m still here. And willing to go on. I’m so confused.