Grieving but no reason to?

This kind of sounds stupid, even to me but it's a feeling.

Here's a little back story.

10 years ago I and my children who were 3 and 4 at the time, left my abusive ex husband. We moved in with my parents for 6 months, my parents and I had a falling out (because they were talking to him behind my back believing his lies) so we left. I was homeless with 2 small children bouncing from friend to friend trying to maintain normalcy. My ex husband had already had a secret apartment with the girl he had been cheating on me with, so he got the police involved and they made me give them to him. I didn't want too because I knew how he was, but no one, not even the police would listen. But in all of this, the court awarded us "joint custody." But I had to pay child support. He kept them from me and brainwashed them into believing I didnt want them. I called the police, DCFS, made court motions and still the system failed me and my kids.

Fast forward to 5 years later...the whole time fighting to get my children back with me. I had finally gotten on my feet starting over from nothing, met a man, fell I'm love and had another child. All the while still longing for my other 2. I would get to speak to them if they were at a friend's house. They would call and tell me they loved me and missed me and they wanted to be with me but their dad wouldn't let them call and they weren't allowed to speak my name.

Last year I was finally able to prove that my ex husband was abusing my kids. He had kept them out of school for 2 weeks be8of the beating he gave my son. Told the school he had the flu...but the school called me and voiced their concerns...i showed up unannounced and the rest is history.

He went to jail, got charged with aggravated battery. But since he was a "1st time offender " they gave him probation. I was furious. And instead of the state handing my children over to me, they placed them in foster care...which happens to be with my parents. Whom refuse to speak to me.

When all of this was taking place, I found out that the home that I lived in had black mold so bad that it was a wonder I and my 5 year old went deadly sick. Dcfs informed me that the case wouldn't take more than 10 months to complete, that after it was said and done, that I would have my kids and could go on about my life. So I started frantically looking for a place to live that could house all of us while me being able to afford everything.

The state I lived in was coming up empty. It was either too small or too much money. So with my best intentions, I started looking elsewhere. I figured that we could start fresh in a new state, new life, new memories. Being that dcfs wasnt letting me control any aspect of my children, I spoke with the caseworker and she admittedly agreed with my decision. and so I went having to leave my 2 children behind. It damn near tore my heart in 2. Knowing they were finally back with arms length but I could make no decisions. (Dcfs and my parents get to) And for no reason!! I wasnt the one that hurt them! I made the call that finally got people to listen and saved them!

I've gotten a lot of scrutiny for moving away. "I shouldn't have left"...and that's probably right. But for the sake of starting over or having nothing again...(which I for sure wouldn't get them that way) I chose what was my BEST INTENTIONS to get a root started so that when this was over, they had a place to call home.

I've learned that even with best intentions that someone is always going to say your wrong.

With that said I do talk to my children who are now 15 and 14 every other day. We also write letters. Court is coming up on the 3rd that is the determination of what happens next. I'm hoping that the courts listen to what my children want and I get to bring them home.

My whole point of this is I constantly grieve. I grieve for my children. I grieve for their little sister who doesnt understand why they can't be here. I grieve for not having parents that can love me unconditionally and have literally callled me trash for "abandoning" my children but wont say a word about my ex husband abusing them.

I want my children more than anything in this world. I'm being treated as if I hurt them. I've never used drugs, I've never been to jail, I've never had a reason for them to treat me this way. I've got a government job, I'm able to provide. It's just hard. I just dont want to be sad anymore.