Feeling defeated 3 and half years in

Venting .

Everyone my age in my small town is pregnant or on their second or third kid as we speak . I know every journey is different but after having my 26 weeker I just feel like I lost something so huge . I was the happiest person being pregnant I glowed from the moment I knew until when it had to tragically end suddenly . Although I love my baby I do have but I couldn’t enjoy him as a newborn , he came home on oxygen and machines I didn’t have the typical newborn stage . Instead of being woken up at night by late feedings or a messy diaper was woken up by alarms that my baby need assistance in breathing or choking or something medical related mostly . We wanted him to grow so badly so we knew he would be healthy and safe . And he did !

But again it wasn’t normal for us . Nothing about it was . Still sometimes isn’t even 3 years later .

I hope to get pregnant again and for it to be normal and to be watched closely . To go full term .

I’m terrified I’ll never get another chance that this hole in my heart will never be filled.

I seen my infertility doctor about two months ago I did what he asked mostly taking vitamins and switching ovulation test I have regular cycles and still I don’t think anything has worked ( currently a few days away from af no signs of af yet at least ) he recommended to switch to digital clear blue they gave accurate results this month but not last month .

I’m supposed to see him next week but I’m debating on seeing him or not maybe I should give it one more month of trying . I literally did everything I could this month and we had sex sooo many times this month . I just don’t know what else to do . My next step maybe would be getting my husbands sperm checked . Since it seems I am ovulating. I just don’t know if I should see my doctor next week or next month . I’m tired of seeing all the announcements everyone having their “covid “ babies. It just seems so damn easy . I know it’s not for everyone of course . I just feel so much grief and so much pain . I have noticed since idk about 6 months my periods are lighter , and after having my son I no longer have cervical mucus hardly ever almost. Could that be something to look into ?