First pregnancy hasn’t been what I expected

I guess this is a vent/rant, I am 35 years old and I’ve wanted to be a mom for the last 15-18 years. I even tried to get pregnant in my 20’s with my ex husband but I never got pregnant. I kind of gave up on that. I watched my sister in laws get pregnant so easily and have their children. Although I was happy for them and never showed any ill feeling towards them deep down I was wondering if it would happen for me. Well, I got divorced and I remarried in 2014 when I was 29. We talked about wanting children and my husband than said we should wait we are not ready. I did agree but I was a little sad about that. I was on the pill since before we met. I was still on the pill when we hit the hardest part of our marriage. It was December of 2019 and I was in a hard place. I went home to see my family and I was thinking of moving back home. We were at the point of splitting up. I am from Canada and now live in the United States. One of our biggest issues was children and we had drifted apart. We had started to bicker over nothing really. I didn’t want to come back to the Us. But I did come back and it was weird when I did. Hubby and I were not really talking or spending time together. Valentine’s Day came and went with no cards, no gifts and no greetings. While all this was going on when I returned the day before New Year’s eve. My period was due on Christmas Day. With all the stress going on I didn’t even notice I didn’t get any bleeding until January 4th and it was light and spotting for a day. I took it with the stress I had going on. I bleed two more times in January but again spotting for a couple hours. I thought it was weird but figured I’ve been super stressed. After Valentine’s Day was something I’ve never really experienced with him before. I started making inquiries on what it would take to move back to Canada. The issue was that it wasn’t as easy. I had debt here, and I had ties here that could not be severed easily so I was already having doubts. Also, I didn’t want to leave I loved my husband we needed to see if we could fix us. I’m thankful for our crappy Valentine’s Day because it showed me I wanted to fix this. The only other issue I had was really bad acne on my face neck and back. It was on my scalp I even tried different products thinking it was a reaction to body wash and or shampoo. I was talking to my friend and she said that’s definitely an hormonal imbalance, I said either that or I’m pregnant. I had a sneaky suspicion I was even though I was on birth control. So, I bought some tests and finally did them mid March. They of course came out positive. I later found out I was already 14 weeks at the time I tested.

How this pregnancy is not what I expected? I wasn’t thrilled about it at first because of how things were with hubby and me. I was a tad scared to tell him because everything we had talked about and his reactions when I mentioned kids was one he didn’t seem interested. So, I just told him, it wasn’t cute. He was very excited and happy about it. We started talking about things and I made an appt to confirm pregnancy. I went in 03/23 and was told

I definitely was pregnant 15 weeks 2 days and was due September 12th. I heard the babies heartbeat alone, and gone to every appt alone. I do not have friends or family around me for support. I told my parents over the phone and my mom seemed excited my dad did not. He kind of sighed and I actually thought it was my brother in the background. It was only December I asked them for some advice about staying for going. So, I’m thinking he wanted me to come home and now he knew that wasn’t happening. My mom asks a little bit here and there about the baby. My dad hasn’t mentioned it at all. I have no one here in the area of the us. All his family is about a 15 hour drive away and we are in the south. I talk to my bestie about baby but she’s in another state and I think she has issues with it. She’s lost 3 in the past but she’s still happy for me. But I try my best not to brag or say that would be misconstrued as much. I didn’t buy anything for my baby until I was like 30 weeks along. I was scared to because I have a lot of high risk and I was scared I would lose her. I will not have a baby shower because there would be no-one to come. We know nobody here and I have a second cousin who lives 30 mins away but we have never made plans to meet. I haven’t seen him since I was 7 years old.

We have repaired us for the most part and that I’m thankful for. But we also are on our own and I don’t mean oh give me all the gifts. I mean support wise we are alone. His mother and father are both gone and his step mom from after parents got divorced is there for us the most. But she’s in the same area as the rest of the family on the East coast. I always thought I would be able to share this day with friends and family and my pregnancy. Part of it is covid it has made my husband and I not be able to experience it together. He has never heard her heartbeat. He has only seen sonogram pictures never seen her move. At one point we were worried he couldn’t be part of coming into the world. This is both our first child and that has been harder than I thought it was. I’m due in 6 weeks and we are getting her room ready. The time has gone by so fast. I always thought we would have pics with family when she was born but covid and distance will change that. My parents will probably not meet her for at least a year since they have never visited me. I would have to go there, I sometimes feel that moving changed our dynamic forever. I never thought I would move anywhere away from then. Here I am 2500 miles away and phones calls don’t happen often and if they do. I call, they don’t. I text my brother and his gf who just got engaged another thing I missed out on due to my distance. I was told about it before it happened. She actually asked him and it was sweet. Then he messaged me about doing a re-do and I helped him with that and getting her a ring. I’m glad he found the one for him. But again being so far away I couldn’t celebrate it with them. I am not depressed and I’m happy about baby coming it just isn’t how I envisioned being pregnant the first time. If you made it through my run on, thank you for reading. I just needed to get it off my chest. 💕