I've been trying to conceive for so long now that I like convince myself during the month that I actually don't want kids. I convince myself that I don't want to ruin my body, I don't want to spend the money, I don't want to have that huge pregnant belly, none of that.

But every month when my period comes I'm shattered. Every cute child video I watch I'm heartbroken that we might not get memories like that. The realisation that we might not ever get to be someone's entire world just hurts too much.

It's obviously my coping mechanism, hating the thought of being pregnant, but it's such mental torture going through this every month.

(We are currently undergoing medical treatment for the second time).