I know I am not alone w/edit

Ladies, I feel like I might not be the only one who has a hard time looking at negative tests.

Tuesday September 2nd, my period is due. September 7th, marks 2 year's since our miscarriage at 10 weeks.

I had a dream we were pregnant again. So of course, when you wake up from a dream about something you want more than anything in the world. You almost feel empty. Today's just another BFN test.

It is so hard not to let a little tiny test define who I am. I feel like I am never going to get my chance. I will try again the in two days if AF doesn't show. But it's like how do we stop worrying about a test, how do we stop feeling as if we are not good enough every time a test reads not pregnant.

Update: AF showed her face Monday with spotting. I didn't think I would feel so disappointed, but I do.

When we were on vacation we went to Ripley's believe it or not ooditorium in S.C and they had fertility statues on display. I touched them. I bought fertility crystals. I prayed, I made a wish in a fountain for us to convince on vacation. My boyfriend even touched the statue and was so supportive when I was picking out moonstones and good luck charms for us.

Crazy thing is a part of me really thought it would happen... I thought we were going to find out we were expecting a rainbow. Instead AF came a day early, and brought my depression with it.

It's heartbreaking to think something is wrong with you, but it's even more so heartbreaking when your partner says maybe it's him and not you😔😭

Trying to remain positive is an understatement. BFNs are so disappointing, as they are discouraging! AF, makes it feel like yet another waiting game. And trying starts all over again. It's a game you feel stuck in, that you just can't win at.

It's hard seeing a new cycle as a new start, when you wished for that cycle to be the one!

It's hard trying to tell yourself to keep trying and to not give up hope. It's hard! It's tiring! It's heartbreaking!

My boyfriend's mom recently found out that her cancer came back. It's been hard watching the effect it has on my boyfriend as he is very close to his mom. She has one other son as well. No grandkids from her biological sons, but does have two grandchildren from my boyfriend's "sister". And another grandson from his other "sister".

My biggest thing is I want my kids to grow up with their grandparents in their lives. I want his mom to meet our rainbow. I want them to experience the life I got to with mine. I feel like it's weighing on him more, because he wants the same thing for our kids. I just can only pray that we get our rainbow, and she is around to meet him or her.

I wish baby dust on all of you lovely ladies that are on this APP and struggling! I'm praying extra hard that these last few months of 2020 bless all of you beauties! 🙏💕

Here's to trying to be hopeful for this next cycle🤞

Update: 9/14

According to Glow today was the big day! I tracked ovulation on and off this week with ovulation test strips. Today's test seemed to be the strongest so trying to remain hopeful!

Around 4pm I started to experience some spotting that I'm hoping is ovulation bleeding 🤞 We BDed yesterday and the day before.

Tomorrow officially starts the TWW and I'm more anxious than ever.

Baby dust to all you beautiful ladies🤞🙌 This is your month! 🙏