Mentally messed up

To keep it short. Baby is 13 weeks old and I don’t love her or feel for her as I should. I have postnatal depression. I feel indifferent towards my partner. I feel guilty all of the time. I have a past experience with a boy when I was younger all I’ll say was he did things I didn’t consent to and I haven’t told anyone about it except my partner but he doesn’t know every detail. I’ve mentioned it to the professionals helping me but all they know is “something happened” and that’s the reason I’ll cringe whenever my partner touches me and we are sleeping in separate beds. It has never affected me like this before and I never had an issue being intimate with my partner before but I feel like I need to control my body and that means no one touching me in affectionate ways. I also mentioned that sometimes I won’t eat even when I’m hungry and I didn’t know why I was doing that and it was suggested that maybe it’s about control because I feel like everything else is out of control.

*CONTROL* now it makes sense. I knew I wanted to control my body. Now I’m controlling when I eat. I also think I’m punishing myself by not eating when I’m hungry and I like that I have that sort of control because control means power. I don’t know the point of this post I think it’s just me trying to work out how I’m feeling by putting it down. If it wasn’t clear in the post I am getting help and I am on medication. This post is probably all over the place due to my rambling.