I woke up this morning knowing I was pregnant. By noon, the doctor was telling me our baby didn't have a heartbeat and had stopped growing two weeks ago. I heard my heart shatter into pieces.
It was a Sunday when I found out we were pregnant. We were so happy. No, we were ecstatic. See, we wanted to grow our little family of three so we tried and tried and tried.
The pregnancy started quite normally. I had my doctor and my hospital picked out too. Our daughter was very excited she was going to be a big sister. Every morning, she kissed me and my tummy good morning.
I got my first ultrasound on the 6th week. Everything was looking good and the baby's heartbeat was normal. Little did I know that everything was going on a downward spiral from then.
The next day, I experienced some spotting. One good thing about the Internet was that you can research on these kinds of things easily. I found out that it was quite common but I called my doctor anyway. She gave me some meds to help prevent threatened miscarriage, which was the medical term for what I was having.
After about a week or so, the spotting stopped. The doctor advised me to take it easy and be on bedrest. One week passed, and the spotting began again. I read that spotting sometimes lasts for as long as the entire pregnancy. I didn't get worried. I went for a routine checkup with my doctor.
My labs were all normal except for my blood sugar. When my doctor checked me, she found fresh bleeding and told us to have another ultrasound to check up on why. I thought yay, we get to see our baby again.
I was glancing at the ultrasound screen while the doctor was measuring the scans. I knew something was wrong when the measurement read 7w 5d. I was supposed to be 9w already.
Then she said the words I was so terrified to hear, "I can't see movement." Followed by ... "The embryo stopped growing" and "The heartbeat should be clearly seen by now". There wasn't any. My husband was holding me but I can only hear my heart breaking. I was saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". He's hugging me and reassuring me it wasn't my fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.
It was most likely a chromosomal defect. There was no amount of bedrest or medicine that can help save the pregnancy. My doctor explained the next steps and said to let nature just take its course. It might take a few days to a couple of weeks to pass the embryo, she said.
It will take a whole lot longer than that to get over the heartache.
"I carried you every second of your life and I will love you for every second of mine."