I screamed my head off to the top of my lungs at my toddler

He’s 5. My daughters 4. Ive been having such a hard time lately. I’ve recently posted about this on here before. And honestly I just need to vent. I need another mom or person to just hear me. I have no friends. Literally. My husband and I got into an argument and have been having a rough time lately and he hasn’t been home for two months. Says he doesn’t want a divorce but he won’t even talk to me about our marriage. Won’t have an actual conversation. He just avoids it. Replies “yep” “mmk” whenever I try to or ask if he’ll come talk to me. He found out that I was talking to one of my friends very briefly who was a male who are used to be very close with because I’m just so lost. Now he’s calling me a cheater and a hoe. My two toddlers are not his children he’s their stepdad. They keep asking for him and it breaks my heart he won’t even come over to see them. I’m also three months pregnant. With a baby we planned. I feel like he’s just dipping out on me.  I have barely been cleaning my house. I haven’t cooked dinner in weeks so just keep ordering food because I’m so hurt, feeling unwanted, my mind is all over. Sometimes I don’t even want to order food but I have to feed my children. I feel like I’m in 1 million pieces.  I absolutely screamed my head off like a maniac at my five-year-old today. I mean my throat hurts because I yelled so bad. He cried for 30 minutes. I’m seriously so depressed I feel so guilty. I keep thinking about killing myself and I know that’s so selfish I’m pregnant and I have my kids. I’m so lost. I also I’m supposed to start back to LPN school in April and I am do with this baby in March so I have no idea how I’m going to manage this. I’m dead ass broke I’m going to cash in change today to go to the grocery store bc I’m spending my money terribly. I haven’t paid my rent this month yet. I’m just falling apart. I’m not caring about my responsibilities. I cry every single night. I yell at my kids every single day and night. I yell at them before bed if they won’t sleep or before school if they won’t get ready. I just cry. I feel so guilty but I keep doing it and losing my cool anyway. If they won’t go to bed I yell at them. If they don’t get ready for school I yell. And then it eats me alive and I just think to myself. How could you do that and have them go to bed on those terms. How could you yell and give them a bad morning and then they have to go to school all day. I barely get along with my parents so I can’t talk to them all they do is harassed me about how I yell at the kids and trust me I don’t want to. Like I said I have no friends. My husband doesn’t care he does all of this but he does does not care.  I have borderline personality disorder so I’m already in therapy but it’s over the phone once a week. Before Covid I was doing individual once a week and group therapy once a week. Now that i only have it once it sucks. My children see me bawling my eyes out all the time. I can’t tell you how guilty I feel just thinking how I’m treated them they are so young they need cared for and hugs and kisses and played with I feel like I’m neglecting them so much . I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I just need someone to listen to me. To hear me to offer advice. I’m absolutely so lost. I can’t put it into words. I am a mess. Please help me. Please tell me something good. I want to be okay for my kids. If you even read this just thank you.. please no judgement I know I’m being such aTerrible mom I know that. I just need advice