bad mother

i’m pretty sure i’m a bad mother. i’m not looking for sympathy and you can be straight up with me. i’m 20 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby, i’ve been waiting for this baby all my life. but instead of joy, and love, and this incredible bond that i’m supposed to have, i feel sad. my family isn’t around. my husband is always just doing his own thing. and i’ve had to go to all the appts alone due to covid, even the anatomy scan. everyone tells me to stay home to protect the baby, but i’ve been home in this one bedroom apartment since march. i have an anterior placenta so i haven’t felt the baby at all. i don’t even wanna buy any baby stuff or think about breastfeeding. all i want is a bottle of wine. i feel so sorry. so sorry that my baby isn’t even here yet and i’ve already failed.