Hi,

I posted this in Relationship Talk first but then found this group and I felt that I would get some really good advice and opinions here. I’m 19 (I was 18 for most of the relationship) and my ex was 19 turning 20.

Well my last relationship ended rather badly but you’ll read that later. Me and my friends think he’s controlling. I’m still kinda worried that I was wrong and he wasn’t actually controlling. If you would like more info just ask (though my replies my be slow). Also this is gonna be long.

We dated for 6 months (January 2020 to about July), for 3 or 4 months I didn’t see my friends in person at all but I saw him. When I finally just put my foot down and said I want to see my friends we had a fight but I still went and saw them (arguments were sort of common) that day with my friends was amazing, the group photo is still my lock screen, he couldn’t message me at all because there was no service. That was the day I sort of started to notice how trapped I felt. He was pissed at me, in arguments I would stumble and fall over what I’m trying to communicate (I have ADHD and being able to word my thoughts is hard but near impossible when I’m emotional), at one point I said I may have done it out of spite though I don’t know if I did it was just an idea (I know dumb). Then we had my birthday and he got me so many presents (he was getting less than minimum wage and paid apparently over $100) Made me a massive minecraft dog and a glados helmet and many small presents. He made me two cakes. But he obviously doesn’t know me, I don’t want lots done for me, I said over and over that I just want a quiet time and a party with my friends. The first bad part was the gifting of the dog, he filmed it even though I asked him not to. Next came the party with my friends, he hates them, told me he wouldn’t change for them when I asked him not to do sexual jokes because one of my friends (the one he hates most and she has autism so social isn’t her thing) had a bad past (he said that first week of dating when he met them). The party was awkward as fuck, he refused to interact with them unless its a sexual joke, we watched shrek 2 in Spanish and then when I was exchanging disks the friend he hates most air humped me (were very jokingly sexual friends and most of us are pan), he stomped off and I didn’t know what happened and he went on and on about how it wasn’t right but I actually didn’t know what happened and when he finally told me i was confused as with how he acted she had shit on my mum then pissed on my grandmas grave. Oh and at every opportunity he tries to assert that he’s the best, can’t get anyone better than him, can’t get someone with a big cough you know what than him etc. after the party he said he’s never going to like my friends ever. Next came when I took him home and we were at his (I stay the night because of the long drive) he wanted me to make some tiktok videos for him and I agreed thinking I won’t get too bad stage fright no it was horrible. I couldn’t do it I felt sick physically sick. He left the room and by the time he came back I worked up the courage to say that I can’t do it. He got so mad and yelled at me and I can’t take yelling or anger well and cried, he kept yelling and shit. I was so close to just grabbing my bag and keys and driving home. Ever since then we had fights often because I realised how lonely I felt without my friends how much I love my friends and miss them. I was so mad at him and I know my anger can get violent (haven’t actually gotten violent in front of anyone since I was 8) I don’t want to do anything I’d regret so I went to my friends, I started playing valorant with them nearly every night and he would still make me cry so often during arguments. Eventually I started voicing this to my friend who were worried and they knew something was off and I started sharing our arguments because I just didn’t know what else to do. This is where I asked for space because us continually talking caused more fights and space was the best idea I had. He had this thing about space, like it was the worst thing in the world. He refused. Eventually I negotiated to be periodic talking. And this is where I realised just how much I talked to him how much I relied, no just was controlled by him. I had to ask for permission to play or talk to my friends, I was sneaking around to play games with them. Oh yeah back to the friend who he hates she told me while playing to put down my phone during rounds and I can only talk between rounds or games and I found i would check my phone ever 5-10 minutes. At this point my friends were telling me to leave him and I should have right then and there. He made me cry so much before I met him the last time I cried was months before. He made me cry at least once a week. I feel sick now at the thought of sex, he was pretty much obsessed with it. I don’t care for it but he was always going on about how it’s the most Important thing then he would go back when I brought that up that no it’s not. He broke up with me one night after me asking for space, we got back together. Week after he finally gave me space (didn’t tell me we was going to and when i messaged he was ignoring them and I didn’t know why) I saw my friends and I showed them our messages as I felt so lost and confused and scared I was terrified of staying, leaving everything. I trusted my friends. One of my friends looked through the messages and took screenshots of some because I was going to break up with him and we were worried he would show up at my house so it was just in case I needed evidence for a restraining order. Another friend couldn’t read more than a couple of messages before she said she felt disgusted and sick with how he treated me. All my friends were horrified and I couldn’t see what’s wrong but seeing their reactions made me stop and really think. Yes he said horrible shit. He made me feel dumb and small. He used me for money, in 6 months I lost over $4000. That night with my friends they helped me write up a breakup message, easy to understand and clear that we were over. After sending that was when I learned he was giving me space like wtf. He was distraught, cried, begged me to come back, it was hard, I cried, then he turned, he started saying shit like “I bet you’re not even sad” or “wouldn’t be surprised if you have dry eyes” (not exactly what he said as I can’t remember exactly) started acussing me of having someone else (nothing new he always doubted me and was always questioning my loyalty and feelings and thoughts and everything). I blocked him, I was mad but I had to be told by my friends that he shouldn’t be saying horrible shit like that and I’m only making myself sadder they were right so I did. I didn’t block him fully, we were still fiends on discord. Then he used that to say more horrible shit. Blocked him there. It was over. But I was terrified of any motorbike I heard, fearing it was him. I still am it’s been 1-2 months. I kept in touch with his best fiend to make sure that he was ok and not suicidal (he threatened me saying he would kill himself), recently his friend relayed a message to me “You made your choice and threw everything away, if you absolutely feel the need to ask how I’m coping, and actually give a shit like you use to then come ask me yourself” word for word that’s what he said. And that’s the important parts. There was also the hypocrisy, he literally flirted with a random girl online who liked him but if I jokingly flirted with my friends he would be so angry, he told me he still loved his first crush but if I said I still thought of my ex he would of I don’t even know he would be so angry and be like why do you not love me anymore am I not enough. I had to tell him everything, he would hold me to every little thing I said. He was always on about how he was a better cook and when I did cook he would stand over me and tell me everything I did was wrong I love cooking but he ruined my passion (it’s back now don’t worry I’m making pasta again), it was his way or the highway.

I know that this is biased because I wrote it but I did try my best to convey what happened and how it made me feel. I’m still confused and lost, he haunts me. I just want opinions and maybe even questions. I know I won’t get closure, I know that he won’t admit that he did wrong. I know and accept that I will be his third ‘abusive’ ex or that I ‘used him’. I don’t mind answering the most personal questions, Shame went out the window when my friend looked at our messages and probably saw my nudes. I just i just need to know what the relationship really was, was it abusive? Was it me, him? Thank you.