I feel like giving up.

I feel dead inside. I feel like I disappointed my parents & everyone. 5 years ago I was working at one of the best salons, I got pregnant with my first & quit. Biggest mistake ever. I got hit with PPD, I lived with my partner & his family for 2 years & lived in the attic always fighting with my partner. Our first doesnt have his last name. His mom tried to blame that on me. Second kid comes along he wasnt around always with his friends I would go look for him at his friends house or his moms ( embarrassing) he would leave me alone at home all the time. Third baby comes everything starts to go good except this time we lived with his cousin & I fucked it up. I was inside the whole 8 months causing me to have anxiety, me and her fought. I accidentally blurted out that she was acting like a bitch & we argued while I was pregnant. She also heard me talk crap over the phone about god knows what making comments about my mil & kids father. They move out I give birth to my third during a pandemic & kids father wasnt there because he stupidity thought he had time to go smoke. I feel like I'm going through PPD again. I'm working with his mom now. Everything irritates me. We are STILL broke. I dont feel motivated to do anything. We fought alot when I was pregnant with my first because he was emotional abusive & throughout the years god knows how many times I had to quit or he lost his jobs. The last time I felt like something broke I didnt even care anymore that he wasnt going to work. Anytime I would go to a babys appointment he would just not go to work and miss the whole day & stay home. I got used to this & didnt care. What really broke me is realizing whatever I was going through I was putting my parents through. I feel like I was in a bubble & not realizing how it looks like on the outside. My relationship with my family definitely got ruin when I had to go back alittle over a year ago & we were always fighting because my mil manipulated me into thinking it was my my parents fault for getting involved.

5 years in we have NOTHING to show for. I always dreamt about having a house a car and even when I make comments about buying a car he gets upset & starts thinking negative saying we dont need one.I. fed up tired & dont even want to live at times anymore.

He doesn't want to get close to my family, his family doesnt like me his mom has given him everything, all his cars and the house we live in not making him pay rent which is why he is the way he is.

We even got engaged but then told me after my son was born the ring is a present and he didnt want to get married anymore because it's just a piece of paper. Now he's saying it is a fucken engagement ring. I'm so tired n fed up.

Then to make things worse I find out my brother is putting my sil through hell, I find out my sister is going through alot & my dad is hurting because he feels like he failed us in a way.

Any advice or words of encouragement please.