Does it get better?

I had dreamt of having a baby, doing “mommy and me” type classes, going for walks with other moms, sleeping on the couch with the baby when it wouldn’t sleep and spending time with family members. Then we got pregnant, but with twins.

Our twins are 6 months old. We dealt with a difficult pregnancy, 2.5 premature (NICU stay on lockdown due to Covid), colic (both babies), and of course the pandemic which has meant limited supports.

My partner and I are both exhausted and frustrated, keeping arguing every time we try talking. We feel defeated. We’re lacking significant sleep as both babies keep being up at night so either only one of us doesn’t sleep at all or we both stay up the majority of the night. Our families have helped as much as possible given the pandemic, which has been great, but they’re all also exhausted from what they’ve done and we’re going into lockdown again so can’t continue helping anymore.

When people say “oh twins you’re so lucky I always wanted some” I hold back the tears, and we both bite our tongues not wanting to say what we truly think of the experience.

I can’t say these things out loud, but there are times where I wonder if it wasn’t a mistake to have them. I love them both very much, but they’re tearing us apart (both individually as well as our relationship). My partner always seems angry and disappointed with everything, as he wants to have people over but we can’t with the girls crying so often, in our small home; or come home from working his 12 hour days to a cooked meal and to relax (which isn’t possible with the twins either as I’m hardly managing to keep them and myself fed and dressed daytime as is). He does help a lot but I still feel like I’m drowning.

How does one survive twins?! Does it ever get less miserable?