I have never wanted something so bad in my life, tried so hard and then regretted it so bad. And I hate that I feel this way. We tried to have a baby for what seemed like forever, fertility test after test, 2 procedures, losing our son in our second trimester and then finally getting our rainbow baby after so many tears and prayers. But pregnancy has been so rough that any ounce of joy or excitement I had is gone. I don’t fine my self wanted to end my life. But to end my pregnant life. And when I say this I don’t mean harm my baby. But that I know that all the issues that I have are because my pregnancy so I just want to be done, I just want her here and I want my body to feel okay. To go over a history of my pregnancy, I’m 31 weeks as of 4 minutes ago... I can’t sleep... restless legs and arms and severe nausea. I was diagnosed with HG at 6 weeks. I’ve thrown up 2-10 times a day everyday for 8 months. I’m severely anemic. I do iv therapy at the hospital 2-3 times a week, I’ve been hospitalized twice, in the ER twice. I can’t be intimate with my husband which causes a lot of issues. I cry myself to sleep almost every night... I have a sleep tracker machine and my average sleep per night is 3 hours and 45 minutes. I had surgery where my ribs were removed and my chest was cracked open last year and it’s still healing and baby kicks my scar tissue and the nerves that are still healing. I go to a chiropractor once a week to get readjusted and massage my muscles to help that pain. As well as I have to do laser therapy once a week to help my scar tissue heal so it doesn’t hurt as much when baby kicks it. Not to mention all the “normal” pregnancy things added on to this. Like getting up to pee every hour, aches, pain. I’m getting induced December 31st at 39 weeks which is the earliest I can be induced without “medical reason” which is so frustrating because I’ve paid my max out of pocket for the year so if she comes before 2020 ends it will all be covered but if she comes in 2021 it will cost me 6,000. We just spent our savings of $15,000 to try to buy a house and got screwed over and are just trying to catch up and get our $1000 emergency find before baby. The financial strain the $6,000 will do makes me break down In tears. Especially because it stresses my husband and me out so bad, I hate that we are struggling. Because of this house issue we are $100 off our rent due on the first and I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. We work so hard and budgeted and to save $15000 in 2 years as 22 year olds was hard work. We have never been late for a bill and I had to max out our small credit card this month just to cover our other bills. I literally just want to be induced 3 days earlier to guarantee she’s a 2020 baby so we can avoid any more debt. And idk I feel like I’ve gone through enough for a couple days. I’m just so frustrated. I don’t think I’ll ever have another baby. I’m so frustrated at God. This is supposed to be a happy time, we’re supposed to be so excited to meet this precious baby girl, to hold her and love her. And I can’t even afford to go get groceries. Im not looking forward to birth to meet her anymore, I’m looking forward to this part of my life to be over and for our new life to begin. I love my baby, I can’t wait for her to be here and I know it will be hard and bring new struggles and honestly it terrifies me... but I honestly don’t think it can be worse than the last year of my life. I’m just praying I go into labor early. That God has some mercy on me. I feel like he’s been beating me down problem after problem. I hate feeling this way. I tried to end my life when I was 15 and after that I never wanted to feel that way again. And that’s how I feel every day. I want my pregnancy life to end. And my motherhood journey to begin. I feel so alone and abandoned. My SIL is also pregnant she is 17 weeks and they did <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> and I try to connect with her and feel dumb. They announced they are having a girl and we are too so i tried to talk to her about it and she was so rude and basically ignored me. I was just trying to ask her how she was and if she was excited and if she needed any cute shops or anything I’d love to girl mom talk. My family also treats there baby like the baby god sent and mine like I’m a teen who got knocked up. Even though I’ve been married for 3 years and we did 2 years of fertility... we just weren’t so outward about our struggles. I’ve had to stop talking to my family because of this, I just can’t be around anymore of it. I feel like only my husband and I are excited. I was supposed to have my baby shower in November and I was already nervous no one would come but we need things. And now it’s cancelled because of Covid. I’m sad that the only things I had to pump me up are gone, my husband is my only supper and it hurts me. I can be tough but it hurts me that baby girl doesn’t have support. Sorry that was a long rant. I can’t sleep, I can’t stop crying. I’m so ready for this Baby to come. Thanks for reading of you got this far 😭😭😭