Hot fucking mess... *long*

So before I go into any of this: Yes I know I fucked up. Yes I feel like a piece of human garbage just as I should and I deserve to rot in hell. I'm not here to get bashed even though I know I already will.

March of 2019 I was impulsive and moved to a place for a dude I barely knew. I found out I was pregnant September of 2019. I had already been feeling doubts about the relationship, but chalked it up to me being paranoid. December 2019, we got married even though I said I didnt wanna do it just because we're having a baby and he said it wasnt just that.

Recently I had been going through a mental health spiral because of PPD and regular depression. I was being treated with antidepressants, but since I also have manic episodes and bipolar tendencies it actually made me worse. I was manic all the time and being irrational and doing stupid shit. I had phone sex with someone because he was a piece of garbage and i wanted to use him because if i was gonna go down, why not take him with me? I didn't even think about the fucking consequences and just did it like the dumb cunt that I am and theres no excuse for what I did and I know that. Right after it happened I went to a mental hospital for almost a week because I had a severe break. I got put on mood stabilizers and they make me feel like someone I thought I had lost years ago. I realized while I was in there I was tired of caring about someone who never seems to hear my pleas and never seems to care when he does things that upset me (ex taking money out of the joint and not telling me leaving us short on rent)

I admit I started being a bitch a bit. I know I shouldnt have done it but I was om xbox with a bunch of friends and was joking about me and my husband's sex life. General shitalk and nothing that we haven't joked about before either. He came upstairs to talk to me and I didnt see his face cause it was dark and I didnt realize he wanted to talk about something serious so I said in a sarcastic and joking way "sorry guys sooooombody is distracting me" again not something we've never joked about before. I guess he didnt see it that way, he went downstairs, I died in game and went to go check on him and ask him what was wrong. He was upset about me joking around and i owned that and told him that i shouldnt have joked about it...he got up and put his hands around my throat...he pushed me up against a wall talking about how he'd never hurt me or the baby....he left about half an hour later texting me once he left that he needed to calm down

Once he came home and came into bed he asked if I was okay and I said I would be. He proceeded to tell me not to give him that bullshit answer. I told him that i meant that and then he apologized he did something he never should've done and there's no excuse and to make it up to me he said I could punch him anywhere but the face and balls then take me out on a dinner date, I said no because that doesnt make up for what happened. We ended up going to bed. I went to my dad's for the next night for space and to think and when I called his mom to tell him what happened I got a lot of shit thrown in my face because I had talked to my husband about me not being a one person kind of person but I know that he's not okay with that and that I'd work on it. His dad in the background was saying "oh well how much verbal abuse could you take before you snapped" not the fucking point he shouldnt have put his hands on me and I know I was being an asshole and we shouldn't even be together. I talked to my husband the next day when I came home and he said I found out about his anger the hard way and then told me about how he hurt people before because they deserved it. Then he told me he wanted to channel his anger into sexual energy and told me I was gonna suck his dick that night, I went for a walk and came back and he told me nevermind cause that was wrong of him to say that

Yesterday he found out about the person I had phone sex with, I owned up to it, I told him the truth. He said he appreciated it and he's disappointed. He even joked saying "why couldnt it be someone better someone who deserved it"

He told me he was gonna punish me and that my punishment would be me sucking his dick and I wouldn't be allowed to stop until he finished and didnt care if my jaw started hurting. Then he said once my yeast infection cleared up that he was gonna fuck me in the ass even though he knows I dont do anal and I told him no to which he said ok but he was still gonna get a piece of me. I went for a walk to clear my head and when I came back in I told him that the punishment thing wasnt right. That I regretted what I did and I'll do whatever else it takes to prove I regret it but him doing that stuff to me isn't acceptable. He said ok and said that I wasnt allowed to touch him or kiss him or anything and that he was gonna sleep on the couch but he could touch and kiss and stuff whenever he wanted. That didnt last because that kind of stuff doesnt really work on me.

I'm at a loss, I created such a fucking mess and I know what I have to do. I know I have to leave. I know I'm a piece of human garbage who deserves nothing but the worst and honestly in the back of my head i kind of feel like I do deserve to be punished physically and emotionally....I deserve the worst of everything.....

But yeah

Here's my rant...here's my life..

I'm a mess and part of me just wants to go kill myself so I can stop being such a waste of space and a toxic bitch to everyone because they'd be relieved that I was gone