TTC makes me hate my body.

A year. It’s been a year since my first pregnancy. Which was a early miscarriage at 5 weeks. 6 months of trying on our own. One month off when i wasnt having periods like I should or ovulating at all. 5 months of medicated cycles. One more chemical pregnancy later. And I hate my body for failing me. I’m so tired of this. So tired of watching everyone around me get pregnant their first month trying. So tired of everyone telling my husband and I to “relax, it will happen once you stop trying” and that we are still young (24&27).

But Actually no it won’t. I don’t ovulate on my own regularly. I did not ovulate once in 6 months on my own. It won’t just happen for us. So I will continue to pump my body full of hormones every month to have the chance to get pregnant, only to make it to the end of the TWW and get my hopes up when AF doesn’t show for 2 days. Only to be crushed every month by negative after negative tests. Ill continue to take the pills that have given me stretch marks across my entire stomach like i carried a baby, but didn’t. “They will just blend in once you do get pregnant. They will just look like they are from your pregnancy” great. Assuming i can get pregnant. If not, I’ll just sit here with my stomach COVERED in stretch marks from a drug im willingly taking to make a baby, without an actual baby.

I’m just tired. But having kids is so important to me and my husband so I can’t give up. I know all of us feel this way, and my heart goes out to each and every one of us that are fighting this uphill battle. And i know things could be worse. I’m thankful for my overall health and a supportive and loving husband. But god this sucks. And I’m just tired of it. ❤️