Still healing...

Baby is 9.5 months old, and I'm still wrestling with postpartum depression and anxiety. Covid influencing it a lot. But I'm told I should get over it. She's here now. My birth experience was hard, but it was so long ago. I should be over it. A month ago I decided to start talking with a therapist (virtually). I'm glad I did. All of us in this group have gone through having a baby at the worst time. After I had my first, I was out & about a week after she was born. I hated being locked up. When my second was born prematurely at 34 weeks in March, I wanted to get out more than ever. She ended up in the nicu for 2 weeks. Not only was I confined to the hospital to visit our baby and the house, I felt locked out of my family and friends. Still today, obviously, things haven't changed much. And I have a huge mask phobia I've had since childhood which made things worse for me. Anyways. It just hurts when I look back at the trauma with the birth of my baby and being at the hospital all alone. Not even my husband could be with me very long because someone had to be with our toddler who wasn't allowed up there. It's been 9 months. I should be over it. But I'm still healing. I get mad and jealous when I see my friends going full term and having perfectly healthy happy babies and going home. My therapist reminds me it's because I'm still healing. When I get jealous, it's not their fault, it's just my circumstances really hurt me and I'm not put back together yet. And I tend to hate myself for basically coveting attention and sympathy and pity. I haven't gotten much of that or help from anybody. Friends or family. Everyone is preoccupied with covid. My therapist again reminded me that we were made for community, and it's not wrong for desiring someone to sympathize with you and share in your burdens. A lot of our suffering we weren't meant to carry on our own. I'm not sure yet how to get myself to a place where I don't hurt from this past horrible year and birth experience, but I know that I'm still healing, and that's OK.

I'm not sure why exactly I'm venting like this, but I hope that if someone feels the same why I do, I want you to know you're not alone. It's been a tough year for women having babies. Especially for those with babies in the nicu or going through any other suffering like that. But we'll get through it. The healing will come. 🤞