Self esteem issues

I’m at a loss on how to overcome self esteem and confidence issues.

I weight 180lbs at one point. I’ve made it down to about 145lbs, none of my clothes fit properly anymore, I lost a lot from my boobs so they went from a D cup to a B and are flat and saggy. My stomach is still blobby after two kids. I’m also older (in my early 40’s)

My bf ... well he likes porn. He’s made it clear that it isn’t going away and every-time we have sex he asks me to dress up. It used to make me feel sexy and powerful ... but now it seems like it’s a requirement for him to even want sex once or twice a week. He says he loves the way I look dressed up (actual costumes like a French maid, Catholic school girl, etc). I get, he likes what he likes ...

How do I feel like it’s ME in those costumes and not some fantasy he’s dreaming up after finding pictures online. I mean, he asked me to get a mesh shirt at one point then I found out he’d been looking up women with big tits in mesh shirts online. He said I should dye my hair red again and I found out he’d been looking up redheads online.

How do I get past all this and feel like it’s ME that’s good enough and not that I’ll just do whatever he wants to get him turned on enough to touch me instead of taking his phone to the bathroom?