I started bleeding on New Years Day (Friday). It was brown when I wiped. I called the nurse on call and she said brown usually isn’t bad and if I was still bleeding on Monday they’d do a scan. Saturday the blood turned red but was still only when I wiped. I made it to Monday and had my scan. The baby had passed the week of Christmas, right after I saw their heart beat for the first and only time. My doctor offered me the pills or a D&C. I wanted it over with and I wanted her to send off the tissue for genetic testing, so I had a D&C done at 930pm Monday, January 4. I haven’t been back to work yet even though I work from home. I can’t stop crying and I’m still having pains in my uterus. The doctor says I can try again as soon as I have a cycle, but I’m terrified of it happening again. I’m 39 so I’m high risk anyway, but I guess I truly never thought it would happen to me. I’ve had two prior pregnancies, twin girls when I was 19 and a little boy in 2019. I’m devastated. How do I pick myself up and try again? How do I survive this loss?