Abusive relationship

So I’ve been with this man for almost 2 years it’s just gotten worse and worse over time. But I kept saying it will stop he will stop he will change. And well I guess it did. Only instead of him changing for the better it’s gotten worse. The emotional and verbal abuse is so heavy. Like he will disrespect me tear me down and then when I react or cry I’m “playing the victim” “all I want is attention I do this to myself” we will fight and he turns and flips everything around like it’s a superpower of his. Then when I’ve tried to leave in the past he always threatens to kill himself. I was so strong when I first met him but now as ashamed as I am to say this I am so ashamed of the girl not even woman, bc I can’t even call myself a woman anymore. I’m ashamed of who I am. I know that I need to leave him but something holds me here. I always think about how he was once sweet and kind in the very beginning to me. I also have a son with him a 9 month old. I love my child with all of my heart and I do not trust him alone with my child bc he does not have patience and he also has another child from a separate relationship and it’s like he’s blinded by anything bad or mischievous that she does. She constantly throws fits when anyone is playing with the baby even tho she gets the same attention she just does not want my son to have any. I’ve caught her many times trying to push my child and I scold her and talk to her but he gets so pissed at me for it. I’m afraid that if he separate the chance of him getting joint custody scares me bc I do not want my child to be mistreated atleast this way I am around and can monitor and control even tho it turns into fights but I’m present, you know. It’s so bad to the point where he does not want my mother and my sister around my child bc he knows that they despise him for all that he puts me through but then he uses this word play and tells me that I can’t have my son around them but he’s not making me choose him. This is the type of stuff that I deal with. Recently it got physical for the first time. He kept tearing me down with his words calling me all types of stupid trifling bitches coming right in my face. Noses touching n all then he would walk of n yell it he kept on so I snapped and pushed him and it went from there. It’s insane. All I can do is cry and pray that god gives me the help and resources that I need. I started drinking every single day and smoking cigarettes and everyone that knows me is like it’s not you you don’t even drink nor smoke you hate cigarettes which is very true. I’m just so belittled and scared I feel crippled and paralyzed bc I have a child in this. And there is still love in my heart for him. I just wish I could leave him me and my son just leave and be gone away from him and his daughter atleast until my son is much much older. I listen to women like pink and can’t even look at myself in the mirror bc that’s who I used to be. Strong independent a real woman. And now..this.

I guess I’m just venting or maybe want to hear if anyone else has been this torn down before.