I’d like to start by saying I’m sorry to anybody who has experienced a loss. It hurts like hell but just know you’re not alone.

Next I have my story of why I blame myself for my loss. First here’s a little bit of a background story...

First she made herself known. He told me she was just a jealous ex who didn’t want to let him go. She learned that he was in a relationship and she wasn’t happy about it. Then a week later my SO burst through the front door and looked around for me. I was sitting on one of the living room couches. He had just gotten back from his best friends house. He said “did she message you? She said she was going to message you. She was calling and texting non stop and I wouldn’t respond so she said she was going to message you”. Well sure enough she sent me messages telling me she was fucking my SO and going to be my baby’s stepmommy. She sent screenshots as well as conversation between the two of them and her call log showing constant contact between the two of them. I didn’t know how to feel or what to say because I felt like my whole life just flipped upside down. I went for a two hour walk. I got back home and he didn’t want to be bothered by me talking because by then he wanted to sleep. Told me he didn’t know if he wanted either of us at that point and went to sleep. I was in such shock. I cried some. I then told my baby “maybe it would be best if you weren’t here”. I’m convinced that’s the night it’s heart stopped beating. I started having cramps later that night, felt lightheaded, blurred vision.. I ended up in the bathroom with pain and eventually diarrhea. I was afraid to say anything to my SO because he had just told me he didn’t even know if he wanted me. So how was I supposed to feel comfortable telling him something wasn’t right and I was worried about the baby. There was no bleeding. No indication of the loss of pregnancy. The next morning I wasn’t in any pain or feeling off. But as the days went by I just didn’t feel right. I felt like there was something wrong. My pregnancy no longer felt right. I felt as if my symptoms were off.. not completely gone but not as present as they were. I didn’t say anything to him though. Maybe I was afraid to face what I knew.. that something wasn’t right with our baby. Maybe I was afraid to find out there was a problem because my relationship had already been revealed as one big lie in front of my face. Before the woman even contacted me I knew something was off. Two months before she made herself known he started treating me like I was nothing to him.. a month before he would get mad at me about little things and tell me he was going to leave.. telling me he didn’t care about me. A week before I found out we lost our baby he told me “I don’t even want the baby. You want this”. When we clearly discussed starting a family before we even started trying.

Anyways two weeks after the night that I told my baby it would be better if it weren’t there I went for my third ultrasound. Of course I was alone because my SO wasn’t invested in that pregnancy at all because his head was invested elsewhere.. and not only with that one ex. Either way at that appointment there was no heartbeat. They told me the baby stopped growing two weeks prior according to the measurements. At that appointment I experienced the worst day of my life. I still blame myself. I feel like I’m the reason my baby isn’t going to be here with me next week. I told it not to live while I was hurt. I hate myself for that. I wish I never said those words but unfortunately I can’t take them back. Maybe if I never said that I wouldn’t blame myself for my baby no longer having a heart beat. Maybe I wouldn’t hate myself for the ultrasound screen of my baby with no heartbeat that’s burned into my memory.

I don’t know. Sorry. I just really needed to let this out because I feel like I can’t tell anybody else.