I know some people say that when a minor inconvenience happens to them but I’ve taken an emotional BEAT down since 2020 started and 2021 just upped the juice.

I can’t talk about it. I can’t lol I can’t fucking explain everything or I’m going to take a year of your time and I don’t think people will even believe some of the shit because SO MUCH SHIT happening to one person just doesn’t happen, that much bad luck, that much insanity doesn’t just happen to people BUT OH, IT DOES FOR ME. IT HAPPENS. It’s unbelievable. Incomprehensible.

Do you remember in the avengers when hulk picked up Loki and beat the fucking shit out of him? That’s me im Loki and the hulk hasn’t stopped. The hulks called life and it wants to rip my heart out and make me a cold bitch. It’s relentless. I have less of myself, whatever left is small and the rest is covered in callouses. I have a lot of rage in me, like pure fucking rage.

I can’t cry. It’s like I was allotted a certain amount of tears and used them all up.

Even when I try really hard the shit doesn’t happen. So instead it wants to come out in another way, like I want to grab a bat and beat the shit out of a car or something.

Work that shit out with this car and this bat until I feel better.

And then it just shuts off. I shut it off because the amount of anger I have scares me because I know I could get myself in trouble.

And then I’m just numb, laying there and can’t feel anything. Cant feel my body, can’t feel my emotions.

My soul or whatever makes me, ME has been carved out with a hot knife, jabbed up with a fork and then put back in.

I miss I could go back to my old self. Something in me has died. I literally do not, and will not EVER see the world the same way after all that has happened to me. I have never had a violent streak and now I do. I’m a completely different person and do not recognize myself and I’m trying to get to know that person, I try to see it positively but then I see people out about in their lives. Driving in their cars, smiling and talking and I remember that I used to be that way. I used to feel as content and happy as these people. And I feel empty, and envious. They have no idea what could happen to them because it hasn’t happened. I miss being so naive to the amount of pain people were capable of going through. Ignorance is so damn bliss. I wish I could be ignorant and naive again because it was a privilege.

I’m at this point where if someone comes at me the wrong way I just have to get up and walk out before I knock their head off. I had to run errands today and I look really young so this lady thought I was a CHILD and was treating me like a child and I literally felt so LIT with rage after she gave me this dirty ass look and said some demeaning shit to me because I grabbed the WRONG PEN (she acted as if I stomped her foot) I said “I’m 25 years old. Just because you’re fucking ancient doesn’t mean you’re entitled to talk to me like shit.” And walked out. I also said something like “this bitch is making me uncomfortable.” Just damn

Who even is that. How did that come out of my mouth. Granted this lady was a fucking bitch but god. That was nasty. I just feel like.. I am dealing with so much shit already, and I do not need YOUR shit too so instead of ignoring it I just feel the need to confront it I guess. Like fuck off

I need an outlet so bad

The emotions I have right now remind me of the bad taste you have in your mouth after you throw up

I know I’ll make it through this stupid shit if I’ve made it this far without putting myself.

But damn. It’s fucking rough.

2020 and 2021 so far can suck my left tit