Ok idk where to put this but it's killing me. I was around 20 weeks pregnant, went for ultrasound and there wasn't a heartbeat. I had to have a D&C. After the D&C I was still knocked out from the anesthesia, the Dr. Told my husband that it was twins that were attached still. My husband didn't tell me he thought it was best for my mental health at the time, he was right I know he was, bc I really did lose it after the miscarriage it was my second in a year, and I felt worthless and like he deserved someone that could give him a baby. Well after the miscarriage I kind of lost it, like i don't remember most of that year or my horrible actions toward my husband who has forgiven me, i just don't know what caused the black out like that. He knew i vulnerable and had seen signs the week before the surgery. I wish i could remember the crap i pulled and done.

We were arguing the other night and he brought up the mistakes I made but I was all confused, he realized i really had no clue, but then he said well you aren't the only one who was going through it, you don't even know the half, I said what did the doctor lie and the baby was okay like what, he said don't push it, you don't wanna know, well I pushed bc I thought it was bc of me, my body, like there was something wrong with me that caused it and I needed to know, well he told me about the twins and that he told the doc that we did not wanna know the gender at all because I knew better than get that info and I just lost it, I have cried on and off now for 3 days. I have always wanted twins and for that to happen, it's killing me. I know it happened like 10 years ago almost 11 but just finding out it was 2 babies not just 1 has me grieving all over again. How do I cope?? What do I do now?? I wish I could go back and not know, but i think maybe knowing is better in some way. Sorry I just had to get this off my chest bc it really is killing me and I don't know how to show it to my husband how horrible it's affecting me, I don't wanna lose him.