TW ED

this post might be a little bit long I’m sorry I just need to share what’s been happening

I had a safe relationship with food for a long time until I was 12. In seventh grade I was becoming a serious athlete, and my dad was a serious athlete in his prime so he knew that if I wanted to take it next level (which i did), that I would have to have some discipline around my food intake.

He took me to a nutritionist, and this is where the problem started. I’ve always been a tall, strong person and so I was 160lbs by 12. Most of that extra weight was muscle mass, I truly wasn’t a fat girl. But this nutritionist based my diet off of BMI, and being 5’8, 12 years old, and 160 pounds, it put me at extremely overweight.

She cut out all carbs, all processed sugars, certain fruits that contained lots of sugar, and put me on a restrictive 1,000 calorie diet.

At first it was miserable just like any other diet, but it soon became religious. I thought it would help me be better.

My coach realized how I was deteriorating, I had no energy, I would get lightheaded all the time, and I fainted and once even vomited stomach acid. The nutritionist said my body was just adjusting.

My coach had a talk with my dad and said she thought it was unhealthy for me, and she wanted me to change it and either stop dieting or start a different, less restrictive one.

He listened, and he took me off the diet after about 7months of it. Going back to eating normally was hard.

I kept trying to restrict because I just wanted to be better. As a 12 year old, looks and self esteem wasn’t even on my mind yet. I just wanted to be able to perform better.

I would restrict certain foods, only eat specific calorie portions, and got into the habit of throwing up after if my dad made me keep eating.

It didn’t bother me until my actions became resemblant of a bulimic (I was never diagnosed). I would restrict, get told to eat more, binge eat, then make myself throw up. That was the first time I experienced true guilt after eating.

I was in the bathroom going to shower and I took a long hard look at my body, and knew I didn’t like it. I have unusually broad shoulders, big thighs, and a square torso. Nothing about me pertained to the slim, curvy, feminine stereotypes.

It just kept getting worse. I would spew information about “intermittent fasting” and tell my dad I was on an 18:6 schedule when I was really on a 24:0 schedule, until I would binge on something unhealthy, hate myself for it, and then throw up.

The cycle just kept going.

I haven’t been diagnosed, but now I’m 15 and I joined a local support group for girls who struggle with ED’s and food.

I’m trying to make the step to get healthy, because I can’t take this anymore.

I’m sorry this was so long