Maybe this isn’t the right thing...

I really want kids. My own little human that I can help become a competent individual. Tiny fingers to count and little eyes to see dazzling back to me.

I want to be a mom.

I’ve been trying so hard. I tried for seven years prior to my husband with my ex, and now I’ve been trying with him. 9 years total.

And there’s nothing.

I thought the pandemic would give me an edge. I’ll finally join the world of motherhood because we are locked up and unable to go anywhere. What else can we do to pass the time?

Everyone else is pregnant. Except me.

Yeah I guess you can call me selfish for thinking only of myself during everyone else’s happy time. But I can’t help it. I’m jealous.

And I can’t help but think that maybe...I’ve been barking up the wrong tree. Maybe I’m not meant to have my own children. Maybe I’m meant to be childless in this world and give the mother’s love that I know I can give to other kids.

But never my own.