Can a manipulator know when they’re being manipulative ??

I know this may be a strange question to ask. If I’m going to be honest, the question is about me. I’m the manipulator. I’m an awful girlfriend. I’m terrible. I’m horrible. I constantly stress him out and upset him. He’s tired all the time. I suffer from bad depression and anxiety and being in school (college) only makes it worse. I HATE that I become so pessimistic and it impacts him on the daily. I hate myself for it too. I have no self confidence, I doubt everything, I tell him to break up with me because I don’t think we would be able to close the gap (we’re currently LDR) because I wouldn’t meet criteria or qualify to move overseas. I’m not good enough. I don’t need to be told that I’m a bad person or girlfriend or that I need help. These are things I already know and I do seek help. I have a therapist who I speak to every week and I take prescription meds. I just go through ups and downs. Every so often I’ll feel really good for a few days, at most, then I go back down. I also told him to break up with me because I can’t do it myself. I can’t end things with someone I’m still in love with. He tells me to stop pushing him away and trying to sabotage myself and my life. I ask him why he stays, that I would be telling him to end things and that I’m manipulating him and abusing him and he still wants to be with me. He tells me because he knows I can be happy again. Because he knows I’m capable of it. I only want him to be happy and I fear so much that I’ll ruin him. His love language is gifts so I always go all out for them. Even for our anniversary a few weeks ago he cried over everything I got him and repeatedly said he didn’t deserve everything I got him. It breaks my heart to know I bring him so much stress. I don’t know what to do. I just want him to be happy and I don’t think he can get that with me anymore 😔