My partner is struggling with his mental health, struggling financially in ways that leave him on the constant brink of homelessness, and has been coping with abuse from within his family and cutting ties with them. I know him, so I can see the red flags popping up and he’s struggling to contain his rage.

I’m feeling a lot of pressure (not from him) to comfort him sexually, though I’m not in a good headspace for sex. I can understand how dumb and simple this might sound to anyone reading it since obviously people don’t owe people sex and obviously I am not obligated to use my body to soothe him or to have sex when I’m uncomfortable. And since he isn’t pressuring me it should be a totally moot point.

But the pressure is like an echo of abuse. He’s experiencing a certain amount of instability and it scares me. I’ve been groomed (not by him) and that feeling inspires this immense internal pressure to please him, to create this escape of an experience where, regardless of how I feel, I will give the impression that to please him, to kiss and caress and feel him, to savor him is the height of my desire meanwhile in all honesty the thought of being touched makes me feel sick. It’s an act I feel like I have to put on, like I’m insatiable, and I’ll relax, then excite, then tire him, then <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.nurture">nurture</a> him, not because it feels good or because I want to, but because I feel increasing, anxious, and compulsive pressure to do it.

I don’t know what my purpose was in writing this but it honestly feels relieving to some degree, to get it off my chest. It’s not something I feel like I can share.