TTC after MC, with him and his cocaine

We are trying to conceive. My husband has been on board and says he is completely committed to this. We have been together for 14 years and I really love this man. I’m 34.

Last year, I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. While I was pregnant he had one wild weekend with friends and did acid. I was there with my shitty friends who don’t seem to think doing drugs around a pregnant woman is a problem. After that I told him that I didn’t want to be around him when he is drunk or high anymore - I just can’t bring myself to like him as a person when he’s like that. It’s not something he does regularly - maybe three or four times a year.

After the miscarriage I told him he was making me unhappy and he either needs to be better, or we need to separate. And he became better. He stopped drinking and doing drugs. He cried because he realised how unhappy he is making me.

After 4 months of TTC again after MC we took a break to give myself time to heal - because I realised it was too soon. Let’s not even go into the emotional trauma of MC - that’s a whole topic on its own.

During this break, he has relapsed again and has done cocaine on two occasions. Now that I’m ready to try again, I know that the cocaine is going to affect our chances and can also threaten the health of the pregnancy - I also have a feeling it may have affected my last pregnancy because he was using during the months that I became pregnant. So I’ve told him I don’t want to try with him until he is completely clean again and his body has had time to cleanse too.

He cried again and feels terrible for disappointing me, but why should I be the one to hold his hand through this and remind him to be healthy and better every day, even when it’s taking time for us to conceive? I am doing everything right - exercising, eating healthy, taking the vitamins, even avoiding beauty products that can affect the outcome. All he has to do is not do drugs and try to be a bit healthier.

I don’t want to leave him, we have built a beautiful life together and I love him very much. Our lives are completely intertwined - friends, family, homes. Not too mention the financial implications it would have. If I left I would be the hated one too. Because I would never tell anyone about drugs and alcohol being the real reason, because I don’t want to jeopardise his life, work and relationships. And I would be completely alone.

But I just feel like this record is stuck. I have given up trying to talk to him and change his behaviour - at a certain point it has to be his own responsibility.

I’m 34 and want children, and don’t want to start again with someone else after putting 14 years into our relationship. And other than the occasional lapse, he is a good, kind, beautiful man. But I just don’t feel like I’m a priority for him anymore.

I am so depressed at the moment, and had hoped the break I took would help. But it didn’t. I went out into the wilderness on my own for a week of peace and joy, to try to reclaim my vision. But unfortunately, at the place I was staying, I ended up surrounded by chauvinistic, misogynistic men who just ended up stealing more joy with their mansplaining and disgusting behaviour.

I am so despondent about this and don’t feel like trying with anything anymore. I don’t know what to do, and have had a few low moments with suicidal thoughts too. And I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My two best friends are 9-months pregnant (and I would’ve been too). And my other friends all think drug use is no big deal, and/or don’t want children.