I’m driving myself insane

Thoughts on this? Why am I like this?

Wrote this in my notes. (I write my thoughts)

I feel as tho I cannot escape the thoughts that run through my head all day everyday. Thoughts on abandonment. Thoughts that I am not good enough anymore. Maybe it’s fake maybe it’s not. Truly myself will never know. I listen as hard as I can, I try to understand, & I try to think different. I don’t know why this is happing now. Why now? Tho I cannot explain this type of feeling. It hurts. Bad. Why won’t u go away? Am I doing something wrong ? Please stop. Please... I am insecure. Very very bad. Why am I? I couldn’t tell u for the life of me. I try to listen to everyone around me telling me I’m pretty & worth it. No, to myself I’m worthless. I don’t deserve you. Never.

My thoughts are never going to be an open book to anyone. I keep my mouth shut and keep it to myself. Scrolling through seeing how many girls u follow how many likes there are to see if possibly you liked it? Wrong of me to do tho I cannot stop myself. What am I hoping for? To catch it? To only hurt myself? Like what the fuck? I can just look at him.. and feel as tho I’m not the only one. I love him to death tho why am I feeling like this?? Why when I look at you I feel someone has had your attention better than mine. Who have u gazed upon weather it’s social media, in person, etc? You tell me you love me and I’m the only one. Everyday. Why can’t I understand? Why can’t I stop thinking like this and have your answer run through my ear and out the other as tho I never heard you. I don’t know what runs through your head when we pass someone better than me. I guess I’m just not used to this. I never loved someone so much as I love you. I want you all to myself... selfish of me tho I want you. And I want you to not want anyone else but me. You love on me, Everytime I’m with you. Shouldn’t that tell me something? ...it doesn’t, at all. I still have the feeling you could have been with someone else. I may be wrong and I’m hearing my gut. I’m trying so hard to block it out and think happy. I just can’t. I’m driving myself fucking insane yo. Idk if it’s because I don’t want no one else feeling you, near you, smelling you, talking to you, and even looking at you. I know people who have cheated. I watched it all go down tho I never said a word cause It wasn’t my relationship nor my business. Damn, they were good at hiding it. She had no fucking idea what was going on. She hinted it a couple times. But he would just gas her up and tell her she’s the only one. That right there is what makes me overthink. No I wasn’t involved. I just got told the story and everyday he would tell me who it was with. Different girl almost every week tho his gf didn’t know.

I have never been cheated on. Why do I feel like this? I just wanna be happy like I used to be with you. I’m finding it so very hard to be happy with you. I’m sorry. You’ll never see this. But I’m sorry I am struggling to love and be happy. I know I love you and I’m in love with you. I mean fuck, you’re driving me fucking insane. Apart of me wants to detach myself from you and fix myself because this isn’t healthy. The way I am feeling. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I know you try to help but I just cannot stop. I couldn’t imagine life with out you. But my gut can. Fuck is wrong with me. I always pushed people away in this situation. Tho I find myself not. Are you my forever or are u a lesson I don’t fucking know. I need to stop.