My baby girl came 39 days early from scheduled c section date, 43 days early from her actual due date.

Although I knew she wasn’t guna make it to either date for all my pregnancies have been emergency c sections before the due date (my first born was also just as early as her).

How ever I was NOT expecting to have her yesterday at all. I called my OB, expecting her to give me some lame explanation like I’ve herd before but needed to call any ways so at least I did MY part. She said to go to the hospital to be evaluated, it still didn’t seem too serious to me because I was in pain, but no contractions. I expected it to be another “it’s a bladder infection, go home” like I’ve been told my other two pregnancies (and two weeks ago with this pregnancy). I get to the hospital and my body hit a complete switch. Just within ONE hour my light, 13-minute apart manageable Braxton Hicks, turned into complete full affect contractions. Some 2 minutes apart, some were back to back giving me no break in between and just having a straight up 3-4 minute contraction. They couldn’t risk keeping her in there in case my previous c section scar ruptured like it did my last pregnancy. They came in and said I had to gown up, I was in complete disbelief. Even laying there during the surgery, my fiancé and I couldn’t register the fact that she was here. Turns out my c section scar WAS in fact about to rupture.

They opened a flap they had up during the surgery so I could see them hold her up to me, then they took her to the NICU. I couldn’t see Ed right away, I had to wait about 2-3 hours. When I finally could see her, I couldn’t go in the same room as her. I had to watch her through a window, while she was in a box. After that I had to wait 6 1/2 hours to go see her. I couldn’t hold her, I can’t breast feed her yet, I can’t even change her f*cling diaper..I can only reach my hand in the box to touch her, but even then, I try not to because any time someone touches her, her heart rate sky rockets and she begins to breath too hard and quick. I just noticed she had a bruise on her leg and back, (we think maybe it happened during delivery?) Since I’ve given birth to her yesterday, I’ve seen her for only a few minutes, 3 times. She sees, hears and feels the nurses more than me..it breaks my heart that she doesn’t know her mother yet..I can’t her when she cries, my baby has bruises, how do I know the bruises don’t hurt her? She had to have x rays done cause she was having such a hard time breathing..I can’t do anything about it. I can’t touch my daughter..I can’t change her.

I already have bad anxiety, especially about my children. I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old at home. Had I know they weren’t guna see me for 4 days I would have given them a bigger hug and kiss..I hate when I don’t have my kids. Now my two boys aren’t with me, my daughter is down the hall in a box and I can’t touch her, she’s guna be in the NICU for a couple of weeks and I have no clue how I’m going to do this. My fiancé works. He’s guna take two days off but financially we can’t afford to take off a couple of weeks. Thankfully my grandma is going to help for a little while but it’s still going to rip me apart that I gotta leave my baby here. Let alone the pure exhaustion that lies ahead from the pumping, my two boys at home, the cooking and cleaning, the constant hospital trips (that’s a 40 minute trip both ways..and COVID doesn’t make hospital visits easy or fun either).

I’m already feeling so overwhelmed..