So, after my son was born, I was told not to get pregnant again. My body had a very bad reaction to my pregnancy. Both my son and I almost died in third trimester. They don’t know why it happened but I had an 80% chance of that happening again in future pregnancies, and even earlier.

My boyfriend had a hard time accepting only having one child, coming from a family of 8 children. I even looked into doing surrogacy or adoption, but it just wasn’t something we could afford. It wasn’t as if I didn’t want another child, I just didn’t want to risk my life for another one.

After a while though, he seemed to come around and even opted to get a vasectomy rather than me going through a tubal when I am the one that cares for our son all day while he works. He didn’t want to be off work for a while just to help lift our son, plus I had been through so much that it seemed fair.

Typically, we used condoms AND he pulled because I couldn’t use hormonal birth control due to the health issues I had with my last pregnancy.

Two nights before his vasectomy, he use a condom but didn’t pull. I conceived that cycle (that night specifically). It also happened to be the same cycle we had planned to ttc when talking about children before my pregnancy took a turn.

I was very upset about it. He acted upset at first but within about an hour was talking about how good it would be for our son to have a sibling. He made me feel so guilty for wanting an abortion as it was clearly “meant to be” according to him. He wouldn’t help me pay for it (would have cost around $1200 because I couldn’t do a pill abortion due to certain bleeding risk factors) nor would he care for our son so I could have an in person appointment. He kept saying he wouldn’t help when it wasn’t what he wanted. I had no one else to help me 😞

So now I’m 5 months pregnant, high risk, biweekly blood tests. Everything was going smoothly until this past week and now I’m getting bitter about it because I know I’m in for a lot of struggling that could hospitalize me and take me away from my son for long periods of time. ***let me state here, before someone has a heart attack, that I don’t resent my unborn child at all- I am very anxious about their health and safety and am so excited that we’re reaching viability***

I can’t help but wonder if he compromised the condom. I wonder if he even got a vasectomy now because I wasn’t there, his BIL took him while I was home with our son. I have my tubal scheduled for right after delivery because he never went for a follow up and I honestly feel like he did something to get me pregnant again and I don’t trust it not to happen again. I confronted him about it once and he laughed at me and said I needed to accept that it was just something meant to be.

Will I ever stop wondering? Will I ever get over my bitterness about it?

He’s an amazing father and a wonderful partner, but I can’t help but wonder if his longing for another child overrode his love for me.

Edit: I recognize condoms are meant to be ejaculated in. We had one break though once and didn’t realize it until after he finished (over a year ago). After that, we decided to use condoms AND pull to prevent pregnancy. I do think he compromised the condom and that’s the reason he chose not to pull that night. I can’t go with him for a follow up because of covid rules AND he has never scheduled a follow up.

Squirting

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